So I’m here. It’s not the Bates Motel. Although I did have a dicy moment during my transfer once we turned off brightly lit roads and started up increasingly winding paths in total darkness. I realised the sheer insanity of travelling by myself, noone in the world actually knows where I am and it hit me that my driver was about to hack me into teeny pieces and feed me to the gekkos and no-one would even realise for a fortnight. Then we took a right and were here. So far so good.
My room is huge and has an amazing view over the sea. It also has a number of sinister contraptions in the bathroon, but I’ll get to those later. And no sandal-wearing lesbians. The first guest I met told me that her girlfriend hadn’t got up yet as she was liver flushing (you’ll hear all about that on Day 4) but it turned out that this was a turn of phrase rather than an indicator of hot minge-on-minge action. My fellow drainers are:
Charlotte: 30, came last year for a week and is back for 12 days to lose weight for her wedding. She arrived the same day as me, so we’re in this together. Seems normal. I’m sure we’ll both be ready to murder one other for a sandwich by the end of day 3.
Shaz: Blousy 40-something year old who’s here to lose weight for a wedding. Not her wedding, just A wedding. She wants to lose weight to go to a wedding as a guest. Bear in mind that this place costs about £800 for the week (plus flights) and I wonder whether anyone’s ever told her about Slimfast. Complains about everything constantly. It may be that it’s just mid-detox crankiness (today is her 5th day), it may be that even if she loses a stone in a week (which is the absolute maximum you can hope to shift) she’d still have 2 stone to go before she’s at anything near her fighting weight and the sheer futility has hit her in the face like a bag of spanners or it may be that she’s just a massive bitch.
Colette: Shaz’s friend and neighbour. Personal shopper at Harvey Nicks. Is not fasting/detoxing and hates the humidity in Thailand. I have literally no idea why she’s here
John: Potential winner of “Hairiest Man at a Hairy Man Convention”. Lives in Hackney but reassures me that he moved there before it was remotely fashionable.
Morten: John’s friend. Norwegian working in China for Nokia. Hates China with a visceral passion. Vaguely fancy him through process of elimination – he’s the only 1 out of the 2 men here who doesn’t look in need of a back rake.
For those of you who are interested, this is where I’m staying: http://www.samuidetox.com/index.php
And this is what I’m doing. Every day. For a week.
07.00 Detox Supplement
Guided Morning Walk to one of Koh Samui’s spectacular beaches
08.30 Detox Supplement
09.00 Juice
09.30 Blood Pressure Check
09.45 Detox Supplement
10.00 Herbal Steam Bath
11.45 Detox Supplement
12.00 Thai Massage (60 minutes)
13.00 Juice
14.00 Detox Supplement
15.00 Yoga Class (60 minutes)
16.00 Guided Meditation (30 minutes)
16.45 Detox Supplement
17.00 Workshop (topics include, nutrition, parasites & the Liver!)
18.00 Vegetable Broth
18.30 Detox Supplement
19.00 Self-administered Colonic Irrigation
20.00 Parasite Zapping
I was excused the walk this morning as I arrived late last night. So my day kicked off with a viscous green liquid that apparently supplies all my nutrients for the day. It’s gross. But I only have to take 1 glasses of a day. I get to take 4 glasses of colon cleanser a day. These are mixture of charcoal, psyllium husk and cleansing herbs. It looks like wet cement and the consistency down your throat as you knock it back (half a pint at a time) is shudder-inducing. Then I get a coconut juice at 9an and watermelon, pineapple and lime juice at 1pm. Then clear broth at night. In addition, you have to drink around 4 pints of water and 3 pints of kidney tea. The colon cleansers are supposed to make you feel full, but 20 hours in, I’m already craving toast and marmite. This is going to be a long week.
Parasite Zapping is less exciting than it sounds. you basically hold on to metal poles for an hour whilst a very faint charge pulses through. This is supposed to stimulate any worms that you may have writhing around you to surface and get flushed out during your colonic.
Ahhhh, the colonic. Which everyone is talking about in vaguely hushed tones. As the only colonic virgin here (as everyone else was more than a day ointo their treatment, apart from Charlotte who’s an old hand) people keep nodding at me knowingly and smirking as though I’m in for a big surprise (at best) or major bowel trauma (at worst). I thought a colonic would be just like flushing 5 litres of warm water up your arse, then seeing what came out. As it turns out, it feels just like flushing 5 litres of warm water up your arse and yes, stuff comes out. It gets caught in a handy sieve over the loo and you’re encouraged to sift through it wearing surgical gloves afterwards to examine your bowel’s accomplishments. When in Rome…
Right, I need to get some sleep. Excursion day tomorrow, where we’re unleashed onto the streets of Koh Samui for a tour under strict instructions not to go to McDonalds or Starbucks. I wonder if you can get Warburtons in Thailand?
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