So… This popped up in my email yesterday:
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 16 May 2011 11:44
Subject: TAXI DRIVERAttn:Sir
I am Mr.Micheal Owusu from Accra-Ghana west Africa and i am a taxi driver.I drive along Ghana-Togo boarder known as the aflao boarder.
On April 29th 2011 i was driving to togoan when i drove into an accident scene where all passenger died at the spot and i recover
a consignment box from the accident scene tag with your name,contact and email address and a document showing that the
person was going to togo to send money to you via western union money transfer.
Right now the box is with me in a hotel for it to be safe and i cannot take what does not belongs to me because i am a Jehovah
witnesses person who believe in God and cannot take what does not belong to me that is why i have decide to mail you so that i can
know what to do to transfer this money to you my self via western union money transfer or by bank to bank transfer which ever way
you want it to be.
Please reply as soon as possible with you phone number for me to transfer this money money to you there in your country before the
Ghana government come for it.
Regards,
+233 263201518
Micheal Owusu
Other, less irritating folk than I might have dismissed this as spam and deleted it. Oh short-sighted fools. Think of the fun you might have. This is what I did:
Hi Michael,
I am very relieved that the money is safely in a hotel. Do the Ghana government know the address of the hotel?
Kind regardsSir Jones
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 16 May 2011 20:34
To:
Subject: Re: TAXI DRIVERYes the money is save in the hotel and nobody knows the address.we will need an engineer to open the box because its security locked.so that l can send you the money .what way will you like to recieve the money?bank transfer or western union.waiting to hear from you soon.Micheal.
My reply:
Dear Mickey,I am worried that no-one knows the address. Do you know the address?
You sound like a lovely chap and I would be honoured to have the opportunity to meet a Christian fellow such as yourself. I will come to Ghana to collect the money and I will bring an engineer with me – my brother is a professional bank robber so has much experience of opening boxes and safes.
Unfortunately, neither of us has the ready cash to buy a ticket. As you have a large amount of money in your possession, please could you buy our aeroplane tickets for us? I will, of course, reimburse you in full once my money is in my possession. Please purchase first class tickets, we like to travel in style. We can leave tomorrow or whenever after that is most convenient to you.
Yours affectionately,
Sir JonesPS could you possibly send a photo of yourself? I would like to be able to imagine you better. Please also send a photo of the box so my brother can prepare the necessary tools.
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 17 May 2011 09:08
To:
Subject: Re: TAXI DRIVERI dont have money to send to you since your box is not open yet.
My reply:
Hey Mickey, Hey Mickey,
This is quite the predicament we find ourselves in. How much money does the document that you recovered state is in the box?We have already been through so much together, it would be a shame if we could not come to an arrangement now. My brother is also very excited to meet you. It would be very sad if he could not meet you. He’s not been himself since his last incarceration and I think your exceptional moral standing would really benefit him.
Yours longingly,
Sir JonesPS still anxiously awaiting your photo. The suspense is deliciously unbearable.
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 17 May 2011 10:53
To:
Subject: Re: TAXI DRIVER
The box contain eight hundred thousand us dollars.we need pay an engineer to get the box open
My reply:
Hey Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, Hey Mickey, Hey Mickey,$800,000? That is slightly less than I was expecting. My most recently deceased friend was a billionaire. Perhaps I have got my corpses mixed up. Have you shaken the box to establish whether the amount in the box is equal to the amount stipulated in the document?
My brother (Sir Jones II) will be able to open the box for us. As mentioned previously, he has huge experience of opening impenetrable boxes. He even had a go on Kate Middleton. He has asked me to ask you if the box you have looks like the attached? If so, he tells me he has “just the thing”. Such a resourceful fellow. I just know that you 2 are going to be firm friends.
I am disappointed to note that you are yet to send me your photo, as requested. Perhaps you are shy? I am going to seize the bull by its mighty horns and send you a photo of myself and Sir Jones II in the hope that this will coax your from your enticing shell. People often refer to me as The Handsome One, so I’ll leave to your discretion which one I am – please be kind. Your approval means so much to me, I can scarcely believe that fortune has brought us together so propitiously.
My brother thinks he can get us the money for the flights tonight, subject to successful completion of “a job”. Please let me know which hotel you are staying in so that we can make our way there. Can we share your room? I will understand if you would prefer that you and I were alone together, but my brother often struggles to sleep at night due to bad dreams. Speaking of which, please do not circulate our photo widely, my brother still has some outstanding warrants in Africa.
Please reply soon with details of the hotel. The patter of my heart beats to your words.
SJ (I)
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 17 May 2011 11:45
To:
Subject: Re: TAXI DRIVER
Its a very hard metal box.call me now so that we can talk better .
+233 263201518 .lm waiting to hear from now
My reply:
Dearest,
Nothing would please me more greatly than hearing your dulcet tones, however I am concerned that the Ghana government may have tapped your phone in their efforts to recover the funds. Email seems a more secure method of communication. We will have many hours to talk in person when I arrive in Ghana on Thursday. I want to know everything about you and look forward to spending the week in your company.
Additionally, it is impossible to savour a phone conversation in private afterwards. I have spent many pleasant moments re-reading your words today. Like the metal box, I am very hard. Sir Jones II advises that he has the necessary tools to open the box. Is your room sound-proofed or would the sound of a minor explosion cause concern?
I am delighted that we are so close to consummating this relationship. Please send details of the hotel immediately and let me know whether we need to book a room or whether we can lodge with you – please provide your room number if so. If you’re a good boy, I’ll send you some flowers before we arrive…
Please also confirm whether the box rattles or rustles when you shake it? If you have not shaken the box recently, please toss one off for me now to establish the facts.
SJ (I)
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 17 May 2011 12:41
To:
Subject: Re: TAXI DRIVER
Ok,here is the hotel addres. Royapam hotel no 22 osun beach road opposit police station accra ghana, pls call me as soon as you are here.Micheal.
My reply:
Precious heart,
Has there been some mistake? I am unable to locate any hotels called Royapam. Please can you check the name on the towels and re-confirm? There is a La Palm Royal Breach Hotel in Accra, but it is only 19th out of 73 hotels in Accra on Trip Advisor. I feel our reunion should take place in more salubrious surroundings. That said, the number 1 hotel in Accra is Big Milly’s Backyard, but I sincerely hope that mine will be the only backyard that you will be frequenting during my stay.
My brother is also concerned about the proximity that you mention to the police station. As a precaution, I think it would be wise to change venues. Could you secure us a room at the Labadi Beach Hotel? Please enquire as to the security and sound-proofing of the rooms first, as well as what tea and coffee-making facilities are provided.
In your other email, you mention that you like my photo and will send yours later. You little tease. How long must I continue to wait before feasting my eyes on your delectable form? I am glad that you liked it though. Have you ‘enjoyed’ it as I have ‘enjoyed’ your emails? Can you guess which one I am…? I hope I shall not disappoint you in the flesh.
Please confirm the hotel details and I will make the necessary arrangements immediately. I am so excited! The money is becoming increasingly insignificant. Might I be able to persuade you to accept a small sum in recognition of our new and beautiful friendship?
xxx
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 17 May 2011 13:52
To:
Subject: Re: TAXI DRIVER
Im relocating now to the labadi beach hotel.
My reply:
My own dear love,
Marvellous – please can you let me know the status of the sound-proofing and refreshment facilities as soon as you arrive? Sir Jones II is still anxious to find out whether his equipment will be adequate for your needs and safe-cracking is thirsty work.
I notice that you have discreetly declined to respond re my offer of remuneration for your troubles. It indicative of your strength of character and moral fortitude and convinces me that you and I were destined to be together by a force greater than either of us. How extraordinary to think that the horrifying human tragedy that you described in your first glorious email to me would bring us such future happiness. Please do accept a small token from me. If nothing else, your taxi-driving business must be suffering whilst you guard my money from dusk until dawn. I do so appreciate these tender efforts on my behalf. I can only hope you will guard my heart with the same care now that you have captured it utterly.
Will $50 suffice?
And please do send a photo. I feel I have laid myself bare before you yet received nothing but kind words in return.
xxx
From: Micheal Kwesi Owusu [mailto:michealowusu2000@gmail.com]
Sent: 17 May 2011 15:45
To:
Subject: Re: TAXI DRIVER
Im right now in the labadi beach hotel.lm replying you via my phone.l need additional 100 USD to add to the 50 USD with me so that l can book for the hotel room.the room is very save and there facilities are very good.waiting to hear from you soon.
My reply:
Rumplefluff,
Replying from your phone! Isn’t technology marvellous? When I was a boy our most sophisticated means of international communication was tying a tin can on some string to a pigeon and hoping for the best. Still it did once mean that I had a most unexpected, and enjoyable, conversation with Albert Einstein. And once again fortune has smiled upon me by bringing us together. Truly I am blessed.
Do let me know when you are able to procure the $100 and have booked the room. My heart sings at the very thought of you.
I feel giddy as a schoolboy as I contemplate our imminent union. I will send you our itinerary as soon as I am able. Could one of your taxi-driving friends possibly collect us from the airport? Our research suggests the fare would be around $200 and this seems quite reasonable.
As Albert once said to me: Ziehen sie bitte ihre hose und unterwasche aus.
Ever Yours
SJ (I)
So there we are. I’m looking forward to Micheal deciding to give up on me so that he can encouter Sir Jones’ super-stalker setting. There’ll be howling at the moon before I’m through with him.
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