Work has been ludicrously busy over the last week and I’ve managed to keep myself out and busy every night so there’s been no time at all for this. Maybe some of you thought He Was Back and I would abandon this blog caper without a backward glance. But no. He remains gone and I’ve heard nothing. I haven’t even seen him – maybe he doesn’t sit where I thought he would be because I was up there a couple of times last week but didn’t see him. And I know he’s been in work because he’s been logged into our internal chat system. I have to stop checking that. sometimes I log in just so he can see that I’m there (that’s if he even has me saved as a user – we barely ever messaged each other on it, I’m all about email) and start to miss me desperately.
Money:
I’ve decided to give it back. I have vasilated over this decision a million times, but I think now my mind is made up. The only reason I would keep it is out of a desire to make myself feel better in some small way the day I find out he has another girlfriend. But really, what difference will 50 make to me that day? Also, I earn considerably more than him, so it would look even more petty and small. If i have to go out and buy myself something amazing to console myself with (although there will be nothing on the planet capable of filling THAT particular void) then it might as well come out of my own pocket. If I give it back, I don’t look embittered and mean and I hope (fool that I am) that that will make a difference. Now I jsut need to come up with some devastatingly amusing email to send to him which will make him want us to get back together
Me:
As that last line should tell you, my personal progression remains set at zero. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. It’s like a constant physical ache. Occasionally, I’ll realise that I haven’t thought about him for an entire minute, but that’s about as far as I’ve got. I’m still crying all the time and I’m tired of it.
Him:
No news about him from anyone – although I haven’t asked. He told Tom about the money and I still hope that the fact Tom obviously didn’t know about it will make him wonder a little. Checked my gmail for the first time since I facebooked Dave, but no reply. I take that as an adverse sign 🙁 It also makes me think that maybe he’s got another girlfriend already and Dave knows All Hope Is Gone (at least for now – see, I can’t stop myself hoping for a happy ending someday) so he didn’t think it was worth a reply. Realised today that I haven’t been on my facebook profile since June. I wonder if he’s noticed. I wonder if we’re even still friends on there…
It’s late. I have to go, but just wanted to check in. More angst to follow. Reams of it. This really STILL isn’t getting any easier. 11 weeks tomorrow. That’s a long time. God I miss him.
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