Ok… Ummm… I’ve decided to come clean about this, because the more I tell about it, the funnier it seems to get, so due to my extreme generosity of spirit, my shame is going to be laid bare for your amusement. You’re about embark upon a tale of lust, intrigue, bloodshed and age-inappropriate behaviour. On so many levels.
I blame my friend Megan. She and I went out for dinner with another friend of ours, whom you shall know only as Rollerpig. Because I’m mean that way. Anyway, Megan was waxing lyrical about her crush on Robert Pattinson. I was aghast. Robert Pattinson? The pasty child previously only known for dying prettily in Harry Potter? Oh DEAR. Megan looked at me seriously – the way that Scientologists look at you as they try to persuade you that they can change your lives by the side of the road – and said “No, really. Read the Twilight books, then you’ll understand.”
Errr, the Twilight books? I was dimly aware of the vamp-lit phenomenon, because y’know, I like to keep my finger on the pulse of popular culture but equally knew that it was aimed at the teen-horror market whilst I prefer my horror to err on the side of visceral unpleasantness (Audition, anyone?). Anyway, Megan assured me that once I’d read it, I too would have fallen for protagonist Edward Cullen’s charms and, by proxy, Robert Pattinsonwho has embodied him for the big screen. I scoffed unreservedly.
Rollerpig piped up and said that she was taking Twilight to the wedding in Mexico with her so I could read it out there. Why not, I thought. What’s the worst that could happen. Little did I know that my life was about to take a turn for the Dr Pepper…
So Mexico rolled around and the bride said that she had books 2 and 3 so she’d bring those too and I could read them all. Rollerpig handed over the first and said she couldn’t really see what all the fuss was about. I knew it, we were just too cool for this teen shit and Megan is a looooser who fancies children. That sick freak.
So I started on Twilight. At around page 40 I said loudly to everyone around me that this book was total rubbish and I just didn’t see what the big deal was. Twilight? Twi-shite more like (oh i know, I have the gift of punnery, you’re welcome). By around page 70 however, I had a creeping suspicion that Edward Cullen was growing on me and by page 150 I had an irrefutable crush. Goddamn it. I tore through books 1 and 2 in a single day whilst the other guests looked on with a mixture of awe and amusement. They weren’t just looking, some even tried to talk to me, but I was in no mood for conversation, I was just in the mood for badly-written vampire schtick. Because don’t get me wrong – these books are AWFUL. It’s as though a middle-aged woman has written down an extended vampire fantasy then accidentally had it published. The writing is bad, the characters are cliched and incredibly badly dressed – Ms Meyer doesn’t seem to get out of Utah much so Incredibly Hot Super-Being Edward ends up riding around town sporting a beige turtleneck and cream leather jacket. It’s as though she saw an episode of Miami Vice 20 years ago and decided that this was the epitome of stylish dressing for all time.
Anyway, I ripped through the books in the space of hours and was ready for the final one. At which point I had 2 horrifying realisations:
1) The Bride was The Worst Friend Ever and had FAILED to mention that there were actually 4 books, leaving me one short. This was a disaster of epic proportions.
2) Book 3 was in the clutches of the Bride’s sister who a) hadn’t even started reading it yet and b) wouldn’t let me have it until she’d read it. My teeth are gnashing just reliving this memory.
Times were desperate. And it was at this point that I realised I was tipping into Twilight madness. I didn’t even want to read another book in case I left the Twilight Zone (sorry, couldn’t resist that one…). There was only 1 possible solution (I’d discounted taking an intensive spanish course and trying to buy the books in Mexico). I got one of the late-arriving guests to pick up 3 and 4 at the airport on the way out from heathrow and he delivered them to me at breakfast the following day. now THAT’S service. 🙂
So after a 1 day hiatus during which time I’d been forced to socialise with my collected very old and very dear friends, I was hitting the books again. Now, you’ll either have read the books in which case you’ll know how it pans out or you won’t have read them, in which case I implore you with all my heart never to pick them up. Honestly, take it from me, they are shit. But they are bizarrely compelling. If you’ve ever read Martina Cole (another guilty pleasure) you’ll know exactly what I mean. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that I’m about to spoiler all over the show, but hopefully you already know what happens or (even better) you won’t ever read the books, so don’t care that I’ve ruined the ending… Here’s the weird thing about them: The Meyer Witch is a Mormon, so is anti sex before marriage. Which is laudable in these troubled times. So what you get are 3 books of ever-increasing length where you desperately want Bella (wimpiest heroine ever) and Edward (ultimate object of lust for no reason that I can think of) to get it on AND THEY DON’T. I have a horrible pervy feeling that the reason that we all (it’s not just me, honest, I asked around…) want them to have sex is so that its easier to imagine what having sex with edward would be like. Which is just 100 kinds of wrong. Anyway, they finally do it in book 4 (a 700+ page behemoth of a book) after getting married but, as Megan pointed out – even this is disappointingly short on detail. It took me until the wedding day to get to the Good Stuff and it took increasing amounts of willpower not to keep sneaking back to my room to look for more dirty bits (there aren’t any, save yourselves the trouble).
So anyway, I read all 4. And already I had a sneaking suspicion that if I saw the movie, the pasty child may become considerably more appealing. Then week 2 in Mexico beckoned. I read books 2-4 again (the 1st one had been snaffle by someone else, much to my chagrin). I also (this is where the descent into SHAME begins) read Midnight Sun. I don’t even want to go into what this is, but if you want to know, this will tell you http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/midnightsun.html
So far so loserish. But it’s about to get worse. Due to the miracle of the internet, it’s possible to watch Twilight The Movie on YouTube. It’s in 12 parts, but if you fast forward through the non-Edward bits (which any sane person would) then it’s only about 45 mins long. which is why I prob watched it 5 times that week. Hey, there’s not a lot to do once you’ve eaten and drunk all you can and you don’t want to get busted for soliciting in the hotel lobby… What made this an even more impressive (ahem) achievement was the fact that the copy was TERRIBLE. It had this weird green wash all over it, the sound was muffled, there was music in all the wrong places and it kept cutting in and out of scenes as though someone had been possessed by the spirit of Sweeney Todd all over the negative. Woeful. Yet still, it was impossible to deny that the pasty child was nigh on irresistible. And a lot better dressed in the film than in the book. No turtlenecks here.
As luck would have it, Twilight was showing on my plane home. For research purposes only, I decided I would settle in and watch it (I was flying Virgin so could fast forward, relief). And quickly realised that the terribly edited, poor produced pirate copy was in fact a faithful rendition of the final cinematic product. It is utter dogshit. I mean really. Bella only emotes through blinking: “I’m *blink blink blink* tired *blink*” “I’m *blink blink* sad *blink blink*” “I’m *blink blink blink* angry *blink*” “I *blink* love *blink* you *blink blink blink*” “*blink blink* I’m *blink blink* afraid”. You get the gist. And the weird music that I thought kept popping up in the wrong places (e.g. mid-meaningful dialogue) is apparently intended to be there. And the editing is just plain bizarre in places. No wonder they fired that sorry-ass director for the sequel.
Obviously though, I ordered the 2-dvd special edition (with commentary by pasty child) from Amazon whilst still in Mexico so that it’d be waiting for me when I got back.
It’s like a sickness I tell you…
So I am forced to admit that i am NOT too cool for this shit after all. I am, officially a little (a lot) in love with the pasty child. Maybe the universe wanted me to be single so that he and I could be together?? Or maybe I am a tragic old crone with an inappropriate crush on a young whippersnapper. Answers on a postcard…
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