1) “It’s his loss. It clearly isn’t. If he felt it was his loss, he’d be desperately trying to win me back. Instead, he’s skipping off in relief to new life with Brazilian supermodel (probably) whilst I have a yawning pit of despair where my heart used to be.
2) “You’ll find someone better.” Oh really? Well where the bloody hell are they? Hmmmm? I just checked my door and there’s no-one beating it down. Also, aren’t you the same person who keeps either a) bemoaning the lack of available men or b) complaining about how awful your boyfriend is? The alternatives are not pretty (literally).
3) “He was a loser anyway.” Nice try. But you really liked him, remember? Additionally, all this does is make me mentally leap to his defence – “nobutyoucan’tsaythatbecasueyoudidn’treallyknoooooooowhim”. I know that you heard and saw how miserable I was but that’s not the same as really knooooooooooooooooowing how great he was. 11 % of the time.
4) “Give it time.” Time is not my friend. Time is just a means of the seconds elapsing until he meets and starts going out with the Brazilian supermodel. It’s also a constant reminder of how little time has really passed since we broke up (5 weeks today, a mere 35 days) compared to the horrifying prospect of a lifetime without him – let’s say approxmiately 18,250 to go. I don’t smoke and am a distressingly infrequent drinker so unless the bacon gets me I think that’s a fair estimate. This means that I have only weathered 0.19% of the Dying Alone storm. And yet it feels like an eternity already. So yeah, time isn’t really something I’m relying on to make me feel better just now. Get me a fast forward button and we could be in business.
5) “He’ll be back”. A surprise entry this one, you may think. But no. I really, really don’t need to hear this one, even though hearing it is the most comforting thing imaginable. He already came back once, during the ill-fated Project Reconciliation which lasted from March until May, at which point he dumped me all over again and it’s this latest rejection that I’m still reeling from. Whilst I hope with every fibre of my being that he will be back, I can’t count on it. Attempts to prop me up by suggesting that his return is imminent are extremely ill-judged as it just adds to my hope-against-hope that things will be alright with us in the end. At the moment, all it makes me do is go crazy trying to think of new, miracle schemes to Get Him Back. This is pretty tricky anyway, since I thought of pretty much everything the first time we broke up – and to my credit, I actually played a blinder and he did briefly realise the error of his ways. Very briefly. So yeah, don’t tell me that he’ll be back, because all I do is get pissed off all day that he’s not come back yet. What’s keeping you??
6) “It wasn’t meant to be.” Oh really? Really? Well I thought it was and I’m NEVER (well, hardly ever, forget about those other guys that I was equally certain about because this one was DIFFERENT, ok?) wrong about these things so what the hell do you know anyway, you interfering FOOL???? Luckily, I don’t ever actually say this out loud but it’s an all-encompassing internal monlogue whenever this conversation is attempted by well-meaning, deeply lovely and probably correct friends.
7) “You wouldn’t have been happy.” How happy do I look right now as I sob on you for the 20th time this hour? I’ll take miserable with him over miserable without him, thanks. (I know how lame this sounds. believe me)
8 ) “You were too good for him.” Oh. Just. Stop. Does this really seem likely? When has anyone, ever, in the history of the universe got rid of someone for this reason?? Surely you’d be punching the air in triumph at your outrageous good fortune and not dumping said beacon of fabulousness. Twice. In 6 months (did I mention that that’s what he did? At all? Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before…)
9) “Try to keep busy”. Do you KNOW how boring it is trying to keep busy for the sake of it? All I want to do is sit around in my pants wailing about how awful my life is and will be forevermore and you want me to make an effort to go out and talk about something other than myself and ALL MY PAIN? I thought you were my friend???
10)? “You’ll be fine. Remember how you/I felt when you/I broke up with whatshisface? You/I got over that, you’ll get over this”. Yeah, well, whatshisface was a loser anyway, and you/I wouldn’t have been happy with him – it just wasn’t meant to be. In fact, you/I were too good for him. It was totally his loss and you/I found someone much better. Can’t you see the difference between the 2 scenarios here?? Am I missing something???
11) “He got married last weekend and he’s never been happier. He specifically mentioned in his speech that it wasn’t him, it was you and that not only does he rue every moment of every day that he knew you, but his new wife is funnier, prettier, cleverer and better than you in every way. In fact, he said that in many ways he feels she’s far too good for him and then he punched the air in triumph at his outrageous good fortune.” I live in constant fear of hearing this news. I’m not even kidding.
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