Such a cheap gag, I’m sorry.\u00a0 I’m on my way to Koh Samui for a week-long detox.\u00a0 2 juices and 1 vegetable broth a day for 7 days.\u00a0 Nothing else.\u00a0 Apart from a raft of “cleansing\u00a0supplements”.\u00a0 And daily colonics.\u00a0 Or as I\u2019ve taken to calling it: anal drainage.\u00a0 Self-administered.\u00a0 Yes, I’m going to be flushing my own arse for a week.\u00a0 With luck I\u2019ll emerge with bright eyes, a flat stomach and lemon fresh bowels.\u00a0 The place is somewhere up a mountain in the middle of fucking nowhere.\u00a0 As the time has ticked closer, I’ve gone from feeling full of delighted anticipation to absolutely dreading it.\u00a0 Have convinced myself it’s going to be full of sandal-wearing, lentil eating lesbians or moping 30-somethings who are there on a voyage of self-discovery and want to talk at length\u00a0about all their angst.\u00a0 Fuck off with your angst; I’m on a journey of discovery of my colon, not the\u00a0path to inner peace.<\/p>\n
The trip got off to a less than auspicious start when I was seated next to The Fattest Man On The Plane (plus Fattest Wife on his other side) for the 11-hour journey from London to Bangkok.\u00a0 You know when you see someone walking down the aisle and think, “Christ, I hope s\/he’s not sitting next to me?”.\u00a0 Well, this time the universe decided to send Fatty McChub my way.\u00a0 Lowering himself into the seat was a 30 second ordeal of panting and re-arranging and sweating\u00a0 – the sweating and associated smell would increase during the flight – then he turned to his wife and whined “why is getting into a seat so technical, there’s just not enough room”.\u00a0 Mate, you weigh 30 fucking stone, try eating less fucking cake, then see how much easier negotiating an aeroplane is.\u00a0 Halfway through my first film of the flight, I went to the loo and he seized the opportunity to strike up a conversation with me.
\nFM: “excuse me [incredulously] are you travelling on your own?”
\nMe: “ummmm, yes”
\nHe looked at me as though he literally had no frame of reference for this.\u00a0 I sad I did it quite a lot and he shook his head in horror and disbelief.\u00a0 I suspect he likes to travel with a companion so there’s always something to eat in case of an emergency.\u00a0 We had an almost comically tedious conversation, I’ll spare you the highlights then he made me watch 5 minutes of a film I’ve never heard of and never want to see on his blackberry, whilst he explained the technical spec of said blackberry to me.\u00a0 Bear in mind that I’m halfway through a film I actually want to watch.\u00a0 Then food came, his little eyes lit up and once we’d braved the awkwardness of me actually having to lift his flesh an inch up in the air in order to release my tray – which provoked another straight-faced\u00a0complaint from him about there not being enough room on planes – he finally left me alone, having\u00a0checked that I remembered his and his fianc\u00e9e\u2019s names for reasons that never really became clear: “Fatty McChub, check.\u00a0\u00a0Mrs Fatty McChub to be, check”.\u00a0\u00a0 He spent the rest of the flight (approx 9 hours) waving his porcine hand in front of my screen whenever he wanted my attention so that I could remove my earphones and listen to his next conversational gem.\u00a0 These included:
\n“Do you know when we eat next?”
\n“Did you have the coffee?\u00a0 It was shit.\u00a0 It definitely wasn’t Nescafe.\u00a0 I don’t think it was even Maxwell House”
\n“They used to sell Pringles and sweets on planes, now it’s all just rip-off perfume and booze.\u00a0 I’m DYING for some Pringles”
\n[pointing to the Journey Tracker screen] “Don’t watch this film, it’s shit” [as though this was the most stunningly original thing anyone has ever said]
\n[having interrupted my viewing] “is that film good then?\u00a0 What\u2019s it about?”<\/p>\n
5 hours in, I started ignoring him.\u00a0 Wanker.<\/p>\n
So anyway, Koh Samui beckons.\u00a0 I have a bad feeling that I’m going to turn up at the Bates Motel or similar.\u00a0 But at least I know the McChubs won’t be following me to a fasting retreat.\u00a0 Small mercies.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Such a cheap gag, I’m sorry.\u00a0 I’m on my way to Koh Samui for a…<\/p>\n