{"id":210,"date":"2011-04-25T00:01:58","date_gmt":"2011-04-24T23:01:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/?p=210"},"modified":"2020-10-30T01:33:07","modified_gmt":"2020-10-30T01:33:07","slug":"let-drainage-commence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/?p=210","title":{"rendered":"Let Drainage Commence"},"content":{"rendered":"

So I’m here.\u00a0 It’s not the Bates Motel.\u00a0 Although I did have a dicy moment during my transfer once we turned off brightly lit roads and started up increasingly winding paths in total darkness.\u00a0 I realised the sheer insanity of travelling by myself, noone in the world actually knows where I am and it hit me that my driver was about to hack me into teeny pieces and feed me to the gekkos and no-one would even realise for a fortnight.\u00a0 Then we took a right and were here.\u00a0 So far so good.<\/p>\n

My room is huge and has an amazing view over the sea.\u00a0 It also has a number of sinister contraptions in the bathroon, but I’ll get to those later.\u00a0 And no sandal-wearing lesbians.\u00a0 The\u00a0 first guest I met told me that her girlfriend hadn’t got up yet as she was liver flushing (you’ll hear all about that on Day 4) but it turned out that this was a turn of phrase rather than an indicator of hot minge-on-minge action.\u00a0 My fellow drainers are:
\nCharlotte: 30, came last year for a week and is back for 12 days to lose weight for her wedding.\u00a0 She arrived the same day as me, so we’re in this together.\u00a0 Seems normal.\u00a0 I’m\u00a0sure we’ll both be ready to murder\u00a0one other for a sandwich by the end of day 3.
\nShaz: Blousy 40-something year old who’s here to lose weight for a wedding.\u00a0 Not her wedding, just A wedding.\u00a0 She wants to lose weight to go to a wedding as a guest.\u00a0 Bear in mind that this place costs about \u00a3800 for the week (plus flights) and I wonder whether anyone’s ever told her about Slimfast.\u00a0 Complains about everything constantly.\u00a0 It may be that it’s just mid-detox crankiness (today is her 5th day), it may be that even if she loses a stone in a week (which is the absolute maximum\u00a0you can hope to shift) she’d still have 2 stone to go before\u00a0she’s at anything near her fighting weight and the\u00a0sheer futility has hit her in the face like a bag of spanners\u00a0or it may be that she’s just a massive bitch.
\nColette: Shaz’s friend and neighbour.\u00a0 Personal shopper at Harvey Nicks.\u00a0 Is not fasting\/detoxing and hates the humidity in Thailand.\u00a0 I have literally no idea why she’s here
\nJohn: Potential winner of “Hairiest Man at a Hairy Man Convention”.\u00a0 Lives in Hackney but reassures me that he moved there before it was remotely fashionable.
\nMorten: John’s friend.\u00a0 Norwegian working in China for Nokia.\u00a0 Hates China with a visceral passion.\u00a0 Vaguely fancy him through process of elimination – he’s the only 1 out of the 2 men here who doesn’t look in need of a\u00a0back rake.<\/p>\n

For those of you who are interested, this is where I’m staying: http:\/\/www.samuidetox.com\/index.php<\/a><\/p>\n

And this is what I’m doing.\u00a0 Every day.\u00a0 For a week.
\n07.00 Detox Supplement<\/p>\n

Guided Morning Walk to one of Koh Samui\u2019s spectacular beaches<\/p>\n

08.30 Detox Supplement<\/p>\n

09.00 Juice<\/p>\n

09.30 Blood Pressure Check<\/p>\n

09.45 Detox Supplement<\/p>\n

10.00 Herbal Steam Bath<\/p>\n

11.45 Detox Supplement<\/p>\n

12.00 Thai Massage (60 minutes)<\/p>\n

13.00 Juice<\/p>\n

14.00 Detox Supplement<\/p>\n

15.00 Yoga Class (60 minutes)<\/p>\n

16.00 Guided Meditation (30 minutes)<\/p>\n

16.45 Detox Supplement<\/p>\n

17.00 Workshop (topics include, nutrition, parasites & the Liver!)<\/p>\n

18.00 Vegetable Broth<\/p>\n

18.30 Detox Supplement<\/p>\n

19.00 Self-administered Colonic Irrigation<\/p>\n

20.00 Parasite Zapping<\/p>\n

\u00a0I was excused the walk this morning as I arrived late last night.\u00a0 So my day kicked off with a viscous green liquid that apparently supplies all my nutrients for the day.\u00a0 It’s gross.\u00a0 But I only have to take 1 glasses of a day.\u00a0 I get to take 4\u00a0 glasses of colon cleanser a day.\u00a0\u00a0These are\u00a0 mixture of charcoal, psyllium husk and\u00a0cleansing herbs.\u00a0 It looks like wet cement and the consistency down your throat as you knock it back (half a pint at a time) is shudder-inducing.\u00a0 Then I get a coconut juice at 9an and watermelon, pineapple and lime\u00a0 juice at 1pm.\u00a0 Then clear broth at night.\u00a0 In addition, you have to drink around 4 pints of water and 3 pints of kidney tea.\u00a0 The colon cleansers are supposed to make you feel full, but 20\u00a0hours in, I’m already craving toast and marmite.\u00a0\u00a0 This is going to be a long week.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Parasite Zapping is less exciting than it sounds.\u00a0 you basically hold on to metal poles for an hour whilst a very faint charge pulses through.\u00a0 This is supposed to stimulate any worms that you may have writhing around you to surface and get flushed out during your colonic.<\/p>\n

Ahhhh, the colonic.\u00a0 Which everyone is talking about in vaguely hushed tones.\u00a0 As the only colonic virgin here (as everyone else was more than a day ointo their treatment, apart from Charlotte who’s an old hand)\u00a0people keep nodding at me knowingly and smirking as though I’m in for a big surprise (at best) or major bowel trauma (at worst).\u00a0 I thought a colonic would be just like flushing 5 litres of warm water up your arse, then seeing what came out.\u00a0 As it turns out, it feels just like flushing 5 litres of warm water up your arse and yes, stuff comes out.\u00a0 It gets caught in a handy sieve over the loo and you’re encouraged to sift through it wearing surgical gloves afterwards to examine your bowel’s accomplishments.\u00a0 When in Rome…<\/p>\n

Right, I need to get some sleep.\u00a0 Excursion day tomorrow, where we’re unleashed onto the streets of Koh Samui for a tour under strict instructions not to go to McDonalds or Starbucks.\u00a0 I wonder if you can get Warburtons in Thailand?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So I’m here.\u00a0 It’s not the Bates Motel.\u00a0 Although I did have a dicy moment…<\/p>\n

Read the postLet Drainage Commence<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,7],"tags":[39,36,12,9,37,38,19,32,35,34],"class_list":["post-210","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-unejected","category-funny","tag-cleanse","tag-colema","tag-colonic","tag-detox","tag-enema","tag-fasting","tag-funny","tag-not-john-cleese","tag-samuidetox","tag-thailand","excerpt","zoom","full-without-featured","even","excerpt-0"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/210","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=210"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/210\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":406,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/210\/revisions\/406"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=210"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=210"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=210"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}