I now haven’t eaten anything for over 60 hours.\u00a0 My hip bones are sticking out beautifully, but I many, many hours to go before I can have food.\u00a0 And 24 hours after that before I can get stuck in and eat anything worth eating (it’s supposed to be 72, but I am weak – don’t report me to the food police).\u00a0 I have regretted my decision not to pack a six-pack of Monster Munch on a regular basis.\u00a0 Most conversation revolves around food and poo, poo-talk is actually preferable as at least that doesn’t stimulate anyone’s appetite.<\/p>\n
We went on a tour of Koh Samui today so that the staff could hose down and sterilise our shit-encrusted\u00a0bathroom walls (actually so they could have a day off, but I bet I had you for a second there).\u00a0 Turns out Koh Samui is jam-packed full of delicious places to eat.\u00a0 And places that sell food.\u00a0 And people merrily eating said food.\u00a0 The six of us glowered at them in unison and looked forward to our next delicious colon cleansing supplement.\u00a0 If I haven’t yet fully conveyed the grey-hued horror of it, my descriptive powers must\u00a0have left me, but please picture grey porridge with\u00a0frogspawn\u00a0in it\u00a0that tastes like a cross between chalk and mucus.\u00a0 4 a day of these remember.<\/p>\n
I’m not going to go into gratuitous detail, but I’d imagine anyone who’s got this far is probably morbidly curious about the colonic process.\u00a0 I am actually finding them really satisfying (2 down so far).\u00a0 My co-food-avoiders are having mixed results, with some hating it and some enduring it.\u00a0 I appear to be the only one experiencing unalloyed joy.\u00a0 I like to think that I’m very comfortable with my colon.\u00a0 Who knows.<\/p>\n
Anyway, we self-administer in the comfort of our bathrooms.\u00a0 My bathroom is the size of an aircraft hangar, but I gather I am blessed (I’ve also got the best view, basically I’m the detox Head Girl) so it feels comfortable and airy.\u00a0 When I came back to me room midway through my first full day of detoxing, I wondered who’d taken my chair.\u00a0 Upon entering the bathroom, I realised that they’d used it to set up my colema board.\u00a0 You can google it until I work out how on earth I upload photos.\u00a0 Mine is padded, no hard plastic tat.\u00a0 So there’s a 5 -gallon bucket with a tube coming from it on a wide ledge above the loo, that gets filled with water by the discreet and delightful staff who manage not to make us feel like total wankers for coming to a barely-developed country to starve ourselves.\u00a0 Oh irony.\u00a0 Anyway, save your socio-political bleeding heart rhetoric for now.\u00a0 The chair faces the loo and supports the colema board which sits over the loo.\u00a0 There’s a sieve in the loo to catch the “solid matter” that is “expelled”.\u00a0 We talk about it in weirdly abstract terms for a bunch of people who’ve specifically come to flush out decades worth of impacted shit from our bodies.\u00a0 So chair, loo, board – the chair is about a meter away from the loo so that the board can sit stably.\u00a0 The tube from the bucket hooks over the chair and we control\/start\/stop the flow of water by adjusting the tube.\u00a0 When the time comes to administer, we collect 2 litres of hot water from smily Chimlin, then advance to our rooms.\u00a0 Everyone generally looks nervous, I skip up the stairs with glee.\u00a0 The hot water is added to the 5-gallon bucket.\u00a0 Each of us has a sterilised\u00a0detachable tube that will be stuck our unmentionable, this gets connected (lubricated)\u00a0to the tube from the bucket that is attached to the colema board.\u00a0 Almost there, first your unmentionable also gets lubricated (they give you a little pink pot of KY, it’s all very well-organised).\u00a0 Then it’s time to lie on your back on\u00a0the board, your feet go on top of the cistern, pressing against the wall.\u00a0 Time to insert the tube into your unmentionable; they recommend at least 2 inches to ensure it doesn’t come out during the procedure.\u00a0 I get about\u00a04 inches in: never knowingly under-penetrated.\u00a0 Then you lie back (Ipod on to drown what must be grotesque gurgles), let the water flow into your arse (gravity does it, apparently), stop the flow when you feel full (i.e. when it feels as though you need to take a dump) and gently push the water out, along with whatever it’s picked up on the way out.\u00a0 Then start the flow again, then stop, then expel.\u00a0 Keep going until the bucket is empty – rinse and repeat, basically.<\/p>\n
When all the water’s gone in and come out, you manoeuvre yourself off the board, sterilise everything (spray, wipes and gloves provided), remove the board from the loo and inspect the freshly-expelled contents of your large intestine with trepidation and (ha!) pride.\u00a0 I’m yet to see vast black ropes of impacted filth, but I feel I’m\u00a0progressing beautifully so far.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And that’s that.\u00a0 Almost makes the colon cleanse supplement worthwhile.\u00a0 Although the frogspawn bits from the drink\u00a0expand on the way down and reappear disconcertingly\u00a0in\u00a0the sieve.\u00a0 One of the guys thought he had eggs growing in him, bless him.<\/p>\n
Oh and\u00a0Morten?\u00a0 Yeah, he’s John’s boyfriend.\u00a0 I knew de-toxing makes you light-headed, I’d never heard that it robbed you of your Gaydar.\u00a0 Although looking back, it was so obvious – his Speedos should have been a dead giveaway.\u00a0\u00a0 Who knows what faculty I’ll lose next??<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I now haven’t eaten anything for over 60 hours.\u00a0 My hip bones are sticking out…<\/p>\n