{"id":23,"date":"2008-07-18T12:09:24","date_gmt":"2008-07-18T10:09:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/?p=23"},"modified":"2020-11-12T22:35:21","modified_gmt":"2020-11-12T22:35:21","slug":"its-not-paranoia-when-they-really-are-following-your-ex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/?p=23","title":{"rendered":"It’s Not Paranoia When They Really Are Out To Get Your Ex"},"content":{"rendered":"
Oh lordy.<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/span>So, yet more leaving drinks last night. I thought that they were going to be tiny and low-key because the mail I got only had about 20 people on it. Then on Wednesday I realised that everyone was talking about them. Turns out, the leaver had sent out about a dozen mails, each with 20 different people on them. Cue emergency sunbed and mini wardrobe-crisis in case he was going. Left work about 7ish, got in the lift and found myself standing next to him. Cue awkward moment. I asked if he was going, he said yes, I died inwardly (as much as I long for glimpses of him and remain convinced that he will fall madly in love with me if he just sees enough of me, I also find it incredibly difficult to be around him).<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

We got out of the lift and I headed over to the cashpoint in the lobby of our building. And so did he. Of all the cashpoints in all the world. Anyway, we then went our separate ways as I had ANOTHER set of leaving drinks to go to first (I work in banking, people are dropping like flies around here).<\/p>\n

\u00a0After a couple of hours I made my way over to THE drinks, with a couple of friends in tow and a couple of drinks for fortitude. I lasted about 45 seconds before crying. Yes. When I got there, he was standing at the back of the room and I just looked at him and felt overwhelmed by loss. This coincided immediately with me bumping into my old boss (she left a couple of years ago, I never liked her) who took one look at me and said \u201cyou look AMAZING, you\u2019re so thin!\u201d. I don\u2019t know why, but I just said \u201cyeah, it\u2019s heartbreak weight\u201d and started to cry. I don\u2019t know who was more horrified, me or her\u2026 Anyway, she was actually quite nice about it but I already felt like I wanted to get the hell out of there. And after another drink, I was desperate to go up to him and start pleading my cause. Which we all know does NOT fit with Operation Be Aloof And He Will Come Back (aka Operation Deluded and Futile).<\/p>\n

At this point, Tom (remember Tom?) came over to say he was leaving. I told him he couldn\u2019t go yet because I was about to make a total fool of myself so he had to distract me. So he stayed. And decided to give me good news to cheer me up. Which was that I didn\u2019t have to worry about the girl from the other night (the one who stayed out for drinks which I thought was weird, but also thought I was probably being paranoid and obsessive \u2013 let\u2019s call her Sarah) because he\u2019s asked \u201chim\u201d about her and he definitely wasn\u2019t interested even though she definitely fancied him. And I felt like my world had caved in. Was so weird. I told Tom I had to get out of there so he took me off to another bar for a drink – and I proceeded to cry for about 2 hours whilst Tom sat there mortified that everyone else in the bar thought he was a total bastard. The waiter silently brought me over a pile of napkins and then left us to it. This is what I know:<\/p>\n

1) Sarah told his manager \u201ca couple of months ago\u201d (is this when we were still together? craven bitch if so) that she fancied \u201chim\u201d. \u201cHe\u201d found out about more or less straight away<\/p>\n

2) She also told Tom last week when they were out for drinks. AND TOM DIDN\u2019T TELL ME. Aaaaargh. His defence is \u201cit didn\u2019t matter, he\u2019s not even interested, why would you need to know?\u201d. Which is fair enough. but then why tell me now?!! Hmmmm???? Tom claims that when she told him he said \u201cthat\u2019s never going to happen\u201d and she looked pissed off but I\u2019m not sure I believe him \u2013 Tom\u2019s nicer than that.<\/p>\n

3) I don\u2019t think he would be interested in her; she\u2019s not repellent, but she\u2019s not that pretty.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBig bum and small eyes,\u201d says Tom. BUT, hate the fact that now it\u2019s ok for other girls to be interested in him. Because I can\u2019t guarantee that the next one will have a big bum and small eyes. And my first reaction was \u201cstay the fuck away from my boyfriend, bitch\u201d.\u00a0 But\u2026 he\u2019s not my boyfriend any more (in case you hadn\u2019t gathered).<\/p>\n

4) In a sick, sick way, I\u2019m almost pleased to hear it because it\u2019s further proof that i am NEVER wrong about this stuff. And as I\u2019m convinced we should get back together and *proven fact* I am never wrong, then we probably, definitely will. Maybe. HOWEVER (oooh, the double-edged sword), *proven fact* I am NEVER wrong about this stuff, so I\u2019m probably right about Mitzy. And honestly, I\u2019d rather carry on being worried that I\u2019m obsessive and paranoid rather than having to face up to the reality that other girls do and will fancy him (him, MY BOYFRIEND) and he\u2019s going to end up with one of them someday.<\/p>\n

5) Hate, hate, hate that he already has someone who fancies him. Who fancies me????\u00a0 Said this to Tom and he pointed out that if the male equivalent of Sarah fancied me I\u2019d just be moaning about the fact that no-one decent fancied (this is EXACTLY what I\u2019d do. I am such a twat sometimes).\u00a0 But still. I\u2019m the one drowning in the sea of despair \u2013 Where\u2019s my knight in shining Armani???<\/p>\n

6) This is mean. but I\u2019m actually kind of annoyed about the whole deal. She must have known that he and I used to go out and part of me thinks: \u201cwhat??? you seriously think he\u2019d go out with YOU when he dumped ME for not being wonderful enough??? In your DREAMS\u201d. I know this is really, really mean. But it\u2019s how I feel and this is nothing if not warts-and-all, so just think of this as a really lumpy, hairy wart.<\/p>\n

So, I did my sobbing on Tom, then we left at about 11. He lives locally; I went to the DLR to go home. Tried to call my best friend to cry down the phone to her all the way home (the one advantage of the fact that she lives in a different time-zone is that it\u2019s not too much of an imposition if I want to call her in the middle of the night. Well, in terms of what time it is.\u00a0 It\u2019s probably kind of an imposition that I keep calling her to wail on for hours about how crappy my lot in life is), but she went to voicemail.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t really feel as though there\u2019d be anyone else who\u2019d be particularly interested in hearing me whine and weep at that time of night, so I squared my shoulders and got on the train when it pulled in, thinking at least I could do some internal whining to make the journey pass by.\u00a0 Sat down and realised he was sitting about 5 feet away with 2 other people from work (not Sarah btw, she wasn\u2019t at the drinks. hopefully she\u2019s fallen down a deep hole.<\/p>\n

muststopbeingsuchabitchmuststopbeingsuchabitch.<\/p>\n

This left me with a tricky predicament.\u00a0 Did I a) go over and try to be effervescent and dynamic when I felt like I wanted to die – and looked as though I\u2019d been crying for 2 hours or b) stay put and just hope they didn\u2019t see me.<\/p>\n

I went with b). Surreptitiously made minor repairs to my make-up then kept looking at him in the reflection of the window – we were both sitting on the same side of the carriage. Anyway, about 5 mins before the train terminated, I realised that he was looking at me in the reflection as well and we both smiled at each other in semi-embarrassed fashion. It\u2019s always embarrassing getting caught checking someone out, even if that someone is your ex. Possibly more so. The other 2 people still hadn\u2019t realised I was there (i know them both) and when the train pulled in, they got off, oblivious, whilst he waited for me on the platform. I\u2019m going to write most of this out as it happened (or as I remember) so you can draw your own conclusions. One thing I haven\u2019t gone into here yet is the fact that one of the main problems in our relationship was that he was surgically welded to his hometown which is (in his words) in north London and (in my words) north OF London. It caused a lot of strife. I\u2019ll probably go into at tedious length one day.\u00a0 Something to look forward to!<\/p>\n

So anyway\u2026<\/p>\n

We met on the platform and exchanged pleasantries:<\/p>\n

Him: I thought you left hours ago?
\nMe: I left THOSE drinks, places to go, people to see?<\/p>\n

We get to the escalator:<\/p>\n

Me: Are you following me?
\nHim: I know, the lift, the cashpoint, the drinks, now this.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll end up moving south so I can stalk you all the way home on the northern line<\/p>\n

[He said and meant this as a joke, but I don’t think it was a very fair thing to say. That’s just The Pain talking though]<\/p>\n

I change the subject and we start talking about my current struggles with my landlady \u2013 we\u2019d talked about this last week. These few details I will spare you.<\/p>\n

We get to the point where he goes north on the northern line and I go south and we have to go our separate ways.
\nMe: So, this is where you go north and I go south – the perpetual problem
\nHim: It was nice to see you*
\nMe: Yeah, whatever
\nHim: No, really
\nMe: You COULD see me (big, extravagant arms-wide gesture, heroic, think Sally Bowles in cabaret) ALL THE TIME.<\/p>\n

Then I turned and walked away. I was willing him to follow me, but when I turned around when I reached the end of the platform, there was no Hollywood ending for me. But, but, but but\u2026 (and again, excuse my attention to the most minute detail. I\u2019m desperate, ok) obviously he and I were together for quite a while and would always part ways at the northern line. He gets on his train at the near end of his platform and I get on at the far end of mine. But last night he walked to the end of his, so I saw him standing, waiting for his train then we had this awkward rueful smile-and-wave moment as we both got on our trains, which came in at the same time. i went home thinking: \u201cSeriously, he loves me, he came to my end of the platform just so he could look at me one last time. This was a cheering thought for a straw-clutcher such as I.<\/p>\n

But this morning, I realised: he has to stand at the near end to change at Moorgate.\u00a0 But at that time of night he\u2019d have been going to King\u2019s Cross, because the Moorgate trains would have stopped running. So maybe it was just a coincidence and I need to let go of those straws.<\/p>\n

BUT (you come right back here straws, I’m not nearly done with you yet), I am a firm believe in the will of the Universe and yesterday, it kept throwing us together in an unprecedented fashion.\u00a0 Maybe this is A Sign that things are Meant To Be?\u00a0 Why do I always seem to end these posts apologising for being such a loser?\u00a0 This is not ego-boosting!<\/p>\n

Prayed for a drunken text all the way home.\u00a0 Nada.\u00a0 And here I am staring down the barrel of another weekend.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

*btw…\u00a0 this is what he used to say to me whenever we met up during Break-Up MkI and during Project Reconciliation he told me that every time he saw me, it made him think he’d made a terrible mistake.\u00a0 Let’s face it, there’s a straw factory in my brain and I’m not afraid to use it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Oh lordy. So, yet more leaving drinks last night. I thought that they were going…<\/p>\n

Read the postIt’s Not Paranoia When They Really Are Out To Get Your Ex<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,6],"tags":[10,14,13],"class_list":["post-23","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-voldemontfort","category-angst","tag-break-up","tag-dating","tag-relationships","excerpt","zoom","full-without-featured","even","excerpt-0"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=23"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":818,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23\/revisions\/818"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=23"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=23"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=23"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}