{"id":24,"date":"2008-07-19T18:05:52","date_gmt":"2008-07-19T16:05:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/?p=24"},"modified":"2020-11-12T22:35:21","modified_gmt":"2020-11-12T22:35:21","slug":"help-me-if-you-can-im-feeling-down","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/?p=24","title":{"rendered":"Help Me If You Can, I’m Feeling Down"},"content":{"rendered":"
Yesterday was the longest day at work ever. \u00a0Yet again, I waited all day from something from him, convinced (ok, not convinced. \u00a0living in futile blind hope is nearer the mark) that he would have had a revelation and would be wanting me back. \u00a0Finally. \u00a0But no. \u00a0I saw him come down to my floor to make his goodbyes – it was his last day before he moves jobs. \u00a0I hovered within eyeshot, but with purpose, just doin’ ma job and all that. \u00a0I mostly kept my head down, so I don’t know if he saw me. \u00a0I counted down the minutes to the end of the day – I usually work until around 6:30-7 but I was aiming to be out of the door at 6 on the dot, that was the earliest I could realistically get out. \u00a0At 5:45, he sent that bloody report out. \u00a0I knew it was the last one I’d ever get from him. \u00a0It wasn’t a relief, it just felt like my chances were slipping further and further away. \u00a0So… \u00a0I emailed him \u00a0\ud83d\ude41<\/div>\n
Me: One final one?!<\/div>\n
Him: Yes, had to get one last one in. \u00a0Tears in my eyes and all that. \u00a0Anything on here for your guys?<\/div>\n
Me: I’m sure they’ll let you send the occasional one out if you ask them nicely. \u00a0No, you’re free to go<\/div>\n
Him: I hope so! \u00a0can’t get out of here yet. \u00a0too much to do. \u00a0on my last bloody day! \u00a0Hope you have a good weekend.<\/div>\n
I resolved nottoreplnottoreplynottoreply. \u00a0then just before i left I sent something about how at least he had his new job to look forward to on Monday (in an irony too stark to contemplate, the reason he’s moving jobs and we’ll lose all contact is to take a job that is identical to mine, but for a different financial product so I said something along the lines of being a [job description] is the greatest joy imaginable). \u00a0So now I’ll spend all weekend hoping that I’ll come in to a reply from him, and there won’t be one.<\/div>\n
I came home and had at least 46 seconds where I convinced myself that I had to move on because he just isn’t right for me. \u00a0Moreover, we weren’t right for each other. \u00a0but then I stopped believing it after 47 seconds. \u00a0It’s so weird – it’s as though I’ve managed to brainwash myself into thinking or believing that tis just has to happen: I went into our relationship having already concluded that it had every chance of success and that’s how I always approached it, so now I find it impossible to accept that it’s failed. \u00a0The relationship I’d had before this one was a 2 1\/2 year battle of psychological warfare with a guy who just didn’t want to be with me. \u00a0I poured a lot of energy in and got next to nothing back. \u00a0It took me a long time to get over because I wasn’t in a great place for most of the time we were together, so my confidence was rock bottom and I just felt so bitter and angry. \u00a0And I vowed I would never let myself be in a relationship like that again. \u00a0When i met “him”, he seemed to be so sorted out; flat, car, new job, friends all in relationships, parents happily married and the kind of guy who’s idea of a good night is a bottle (or several) of wine with friends, not going out and getting pilled up to the backs of the eyeballs until 5am whilst grinding against 18 year old blondes. \u00a0So far so perfect, right? \u00a0Here was someone who was just poised and ready to fall totally in love with me and who I could make a life with. \u00a0So into it I went, confident that this could really be IT. \u00a0And yet, in spite of it all, and all of my caution, the outcome’s been exactly the same. \u00a0Both of the got rid of me because they just “couldn’t have a girlfriend at the moment”, they had to “sort their heads and lives out” and were “no good to anyone right now”, “it wouldn’t be fair” on me, they wanted “to be able to be selfish”, etc etc etc. \u00a0so now I have to wonder why I’m the girl that guys get together with and then make them realise that they don’t want girlfriends! \u00a0And I’m a good girlfriend, honest (although events would certainly seem to belie this fact). \u00a0Anyway, whilst I don’t have the bitterness and rage this time, the devastation is about a bajillion times worse because I thought I’d made sure this wouldn’t happen to me again and it turns out I was wrong. \u00a0There’s actually a slim chance that I’m actually more devastated at having been wrong rather than at the fact that the relationship has ended, but I maintain that it’s a slim one… \u00a0I went into it really believing that this was going to be it, my reward for the previous crappy relationship if you will and because I invested so much hope into it, I think it’s been an absolute body blow now. \u00a0Especially since I thought i was within a whisker of getting everything I’d ever wanted after the extravagant promises about our future together that preceded Project Reconciliation. \u00a0Coming within a whisker of the future you think you deserve then having the rug pulled out from under you (again) is pretty hard to bounce back from. \u00a0As evidenced by all these posts!<\/div>\n
everyone, everyone, everyone is telling em that i have to just get on with this and move on, but I’m still hanging on and waiting for him to come back again – and such a fun time I’m having of it \ud83d\ude41 \u00a0 I know this is doing me no good at all, but I can’t seem to stop. \u00a0The worst thing is, if this were happening to a friend of mine, I’d be really annoyed with me by now and telling all my other friends that me should just get over it and find someone else who is far more deserving of me than that idiot. \u00a0But I can’t let go, because I don’t want to. \u00a0It’s like AA – you have to want to change. \u00a0Think of me as the Amy Winehouse of break-ups. \u00a0I may not have as many tattoos or visible ribs, but I’m dead-set on a destructive path that hears no reason. \u00a0and at least that girl can sing.<\/div>\n
So, the above has just been trying to put my following actions into some kind of context. \u00a0Because make no mistake, I am still hope to attempt Project Reconciliation MkII whilst somehow bypassing the seemingly inevitable Break Up MkIII. \u00a0The reason that I sent that email was because I want to (brace yourselves, psychobabble on the horizon) start a healing conversatrion.<\/div>\n
Now, if you’ve never experienced the kind of gut-wrenching misery that I’ve endured these last 6 months, you probably have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. \u00a0Let me enlighten you… \u00a0I’m a reader. \u00a0I think there’s no solution to any problem that can’t be found between the pages of some book somewhere. \u00a0So, during both Break-up MkI and II, I’ve been the queen of the self-help book. \u00a0I bought the first one within 2 days of Break-Up MkI and ordered it from Amazon with next day delivery (this is unheard of for me, whilst my Amazon habit is awe-inspiring, I am Super Saver all the way. \u00a0but this was an emergency, you dig?). \u00a0It was the very excellent It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken. \u00a0If you’re not a complete idiot who is fixated on getting her boyfriend back, this is one of the most helpful, sensible books ever. \u00a0I avoid it at all costs at the moment because it makes me cry from about page 10 onwards as it tells me that we just weren’t a match “and if he ended it, that means he probably doesn’t want to try to fix it either”. \u00a0Well THAT isn’t what I wanted to hear. \u00a0[Btw, all the following stuff is some of the most embarrassing that I will ever reveal about myself, if you know me then I’d like you to get immediate amnesia after this post please] \u00a0So, about 4 days later, i revisited Amazon and bought Love Tactics – How To Win The One You Want (over 300,000 copies sold – at least there are thousands of over losers out there). \u00a0This was because of Part Two – Winning Back The One You’ve Lost (chapters 14-18). \u00a0Chapter 16 is Starting a Healing Conversation. \u00a0I did this by sending him the 11 page epic previously described. \u00a0And it did work. \u00a0He kept that letter close to hand from the day he got it until the week he decided to embark upon Break-Up MkII. \u00a0The problem THIS time is that he knows that I know what an impact the letter had the last time so if I send another one, he’ll see through it as the sneaky ploy that it undoubtedly is (he doesn’t know about Love Tactics – I’m a twat but I’m not an idiot). \u00a0Love Tactics is the worst book for me ever. \u00a0Sample: “Yes, there is always hope, and no, it is never too late”. \u00a0Even the punctuation is screwy, how can I take these people seriously?? \u00a0Unfortunately, I’m more inclined to listen to the grammatically retarded guy who tells me “in time, you can win almost anyone’s heart by using the correct methods” instead of the more literate guy who says “the harsh reality is that even if you have everything else i common [which we didn’t anyway], the one thing you don’t have in common is the belief that this relationship can work. \u00a0Anyone who classes you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your tears”. \u00a0But I’m ignoring Voice Of Reason in favour of Love Tactics approach of “give the person a vacation from you – if you back off for a while, the other person will become more open to a new encounter with you; a vacation from you will tend to open their eyes to what they’re missing.” \u00a0So all the people who’ve congratulated me on my apparent strength in the not emailing\/calling\/texting stakes – it’s all an ulterior motive. \u00a0Although luckily, this also pleases the Voice Of Reason, who also tells me not to call him “He doesn’t want to talk to you. \u00a0Even if you think he does, you’re probably wrong. \u00a0If he wanted to talk to you, to check on you, to reconcile with you, he would. \u00a0All the broken fingers in the world won’t keep someone who’s truly determined from calling”. \u00a0So the no contact is win-win as far as the self-help books are concerned, it just doesn’t seem to be helping me particularly.<\/div>\n
I also bought I Can Mend Your Broken Heart by PHD charlatan Paul Mckenna, but i super saver deliveried that one, and it arrived the day after he texted me to ask for another chance. \u00a0hahahaha! \u00a0So I have it, but it’s also resolutely convinced that I should Move On and has all kind of helpful tips on how to get on with my life, re-imagine my future and stop obsessing about him. \u00a0well I’m not interested in any of THAT, so it’s gathering dust for now.<\/div>\n
So I came home last night and sat around feeling maudlin (way to get one with my life, re-imagine my future and stop obsessing about him. \u00a0Sorry Paul…) and after I attempted the realisation that we Just Weren’t Right For Each Other, i came to a far better realisation: I Just Hadn’t Bought The Right Self-Help BookYet. \u00a0It was so obvious! \u00a0Somewhere out there is the book that ACTUALLY has all the answers. \u00a0Those Love Tactics guys were ok, but getting the one you lost back was only a 5 chapter part of an 18 chapter book. \u00a0What I needed was more focus and commitment from my author. \u00a0I snubbed “How To Win Your Lover Back” as many reviewers dismissed it as “too american” and went for “How One Of You Can Bring The Two Of You Together”. \u00a0 I dread to think what lunacy will follow on my part once this invades my life. \u00a0I guess I’ll know in 3-5 business days. \u00a0Just in case that fails (I’m nothing if not thorough) I also bought How To Break Your Addiction To A Person but annoyingly, that won’t arrive for 3-5 weeks so in the meantime I guess this gives me a perfect excuse not to move on (hey, the book didn’t arrive yet whatchagunnado?) and 100% focus on bringing the 2 of us together. \u00a0And yes, obviously it’s crossed my mind that hopefully this will be another McKenna situation and I won’t actually need to break my addiction to a person because He Will Be Back.<\/div>\n

Yesterday was the longest day at work ever. \u00a0Yet again, I waited all day from something from him, convinced (ok, not convinced. \u00a0living in futile blind hope is nearer the mark) that he would have had a revelation and would be wanting me back. \u00a0Finally. \u00a0But no. \u00a0I saw him come down to my floor to make his goodbyes – it was his last day before he moves jobs. \u00a0I hovered within eyeshot, but with purpose, just doin’ ma job and all that. \u00a0I mostly kept my head down, so I don’t know if he saw me. \u00a0I counted down the minutes to the end of the day – I usually work until around 6:30-7 but I was aiming to be out of the door at 6 on the dot, that was the earliest I could realistically get out. \u00a0At 5:45, he sent that bloody report out. \u00a0I knew it was the last one I’d ever get from him. \u00a0It wasn’t a relief, it just felt like my chances were slipping further and further away. \u00a0So… \u00a0I emailed him \u00a0\ud83d\ude41<\/p>\n

Me: One final one?!<\/p>\n

Him: Yes, had to get one last one in. \u00a0Tears in my eyes and all that. \u00a0Anything on here for your guys?<\/p>\n

Me: I’m sure they’ll let you send the occasional one out if you ask them nicely. \u00a0No, you’re free to go<\/p>\n

Him: I hope so! \u00a0can’t get out of here yet. \u00a0too much to do. \u00a0on my last bloody day! \u00a0Hope you have a good weekend.<\/p>\n

I resolved nottoreplnottoreplynottoreply. \u00a0then just before i left I sent something about how at least he had his new job to look forward to on Monday (in an irony too stark to contemplate, the reason he’s moving jobs and we’ll lose all contact is to take a job that is identical to mine, but for a different financial product so I said something along the lines of being a [job description] is the greatest joy imaginable). \u00a0So now I’ll spend all weekend hoping that I’ll come in to a reply from him, and there won’t be one.<\/p>\n

I came home and had at least 46 seconds where I convinced myself that I had to move on because he just isn’t right for me. \u00a0Moreover, we weren’t right for each other. \u00a0but then I stopped believing it after 47 seconds. \u00a0It’s so weird – it’s as though I’ve managed to brainwash myself into thinking or believing that tis just has to happen: I went into our relationship having already concluded that it had every chance of success and that’s how I always approached it, so now I find it impossible to accept that it’s failed. \u00a0The relationship I’d had before this one was a 2 1\/2 year battle of psychological warfare with a guy who just didn’t want to be with me. \u00a0I poured a lot of energy in and got next to nothing back. \u00a0It took me a long time to get over because I wasn’t in a great place for most of the time we were together, so my confidence was rock bottom and I just felt so bitter and angry. \u00a0And I vowed I would never let myself be in a relationship like that again. \u00a0When i met “him”, he seemed to be so sorted out; flat, car, new job, friends all in relationships, parents happily married and the kind of guy who’s idea of a good night is a bottle (or several) of wine with friends, not going out and getting pilled up to the backs of the eyeballs until 5am whilst grinding against 18 year old blondes. \u00a0So far so perfect, right? \u00a0Here was someone who was just poised and ready to fall totally in love with me and who I could make a life with. \u00a0So into it I went, confident that this could really be IT. \u00a0And yet, in spite of it all, and all of my caution, the outcome’s been exactly the same. \u00a0Both of the got rid of me because they just “couldn’t have a girlfriend at the moment”, they had to “sort their heads and lives out” and were “no good to anyone right now”, “it wouldn’t be fair” on me, they wanted “to be able to be selfish”, etc etc etc. \u00a0so now I have to wonder why I’m the girl that guys get together with and then make them realise that they don’t want girlfriends! \u00a0And I’m a good girlfriend, honest (although events would certainly seem to belie this fact). \u00a0Anyway, whilst I don’t have the bitterness and rage this time, the devastation is about a bajillion times worse because I thought I’d made sure this wouldn’t happen to me again and it turns out I was wrong. \u00a0There’s actually a slim chance that I’m actually more devastated at having been wrong rather than at the fact that the relationship has ended, but I maintain that it’s a slim one… \u00a0I went into it really believing that this was going to be it, my reward for the previous crappy relationship if you will and because I invested so much hope into it, I think it’s been an absolute body blow now. \u00a0Especially since I thought i was within a whisker of getting everything I’d ever wanted after the extravagant promises about our future together that preceded Project Reconciliation. \u00a0Coming within a whisker of the future you think you deserve then having the rug pulled out from under you (again) is pretty hard to bounce back from. \u00a0As evidenced by all these posts!<\/p>\n

everyone, everyone, everyone is telling em that i have to just get on with this and move on, but I’m still hanging on and waiting for him to come back again – and such a fun time I’m having of it \ud83d\ude41 \u00a0 I know this is doing me no good at all, but I can’t seem to stop. \u00a0The worst thing is, if this were happening to a friend of mine, I’d be really annoyed with me by now and telling all my other friends that me should just get over it and find someone else who is far more deserving of me than that idiot. \u00a0But I can’t let go, because I don’t want to. \u00a0It’s like AA – you have to want to change. \u00a0Think of me as the Amy Winehouse of break-ups. \u00a0I may not have as many tattoos or visible ribs, but I’m dead-set on a destructive path that hears no reason. \u00a0and at least that girl can sing.<\/p>\n

So, the above has just been trying to put my following actions into some kind of context. \u00a0Because make no mistake, I am still hope to attempt Project Reconciliation MkII whilst somehow bypassing the seemingly inevitable Break Up MkIII. \u00a0The reason that I sent that email was because I want to (brace yourselves, psychobabble on the horizon) start a healing conversatrion.<\/p>\n

Now, if you’ve never experienced the kind of gut-wrenching misery that I’ve endured these last 6 months, you probably have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. \u00a0Let me enlighten you… \u00a0I’m a reader. \u00a0I think there’s no solution to any problem that can’t be found between the pages of some book somewhere. \u00a0So, during both Break-up MkI and II, I’ve been the queen of the self-help book. \u00a0I bought the first one within 2 days of Break-Up MkI and ordered it from Amazon with next day delivery (this is unheard of for me, whilst my Amazon habit is awe-inspiring, I am Super Saver all the way. \u00a0but this was an emergency, you dig?). \u00a0It was the very excellent It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken. \u00a0If you’re not a complete idiot who is fixated on getting her boyfriend back, this is one of the most helpful, sensible books ever. \u00a0I avoid it at all costs at the moment because it makes me cry from about page 10 onwards as it tells me that we just weren’t a match “and if he ended it, that means he probably doesn’t want to try to fix it either”. \u00a0Well THAT isn’t what I wanted to hear. \u00a0[Btw, all the following stuff is some of the most embarrassing that I will ever reveal about myself, if you know me then I’d like you to get immediate amnesia after this post please] \u00a0So, about 4 days later, i revisited Amazon and bought Love Tactics – How To Win The One You Want (over 300,000 copies sold – at least there are thousands of over losers out there). \u00a0This was because of Part Two – Winning Back The One You’ve Lost (chapters 14-18). \u00a0Chapter 16 is Starting a Healing Conversation. \u00a0I did this by sending him the 11 page epic previously described. \u00a0And it did work. \u00a0He kept that letter close to hand from the day he got it until the week he decided to embark upon Break-Up MkII. \u00a0The problem THIS time is that he knows that I know what an impact the letter had the last time so if I send another one, he’ll see through it as the sneaky ploy that it undoubtedly is (he doesn’t know about Love Tactics – I’m a twat but I’m not an idiot). \u00a0Love Tactics is the worst book for me ever. \u00a0Sample: “Yes, there is always hope, and no, it is never too late”. \u00a0Even the punctuation is screwy, how can I take these people seriously?? \u00a0Unfortunately, I’m more inclined to listen to the grammatically retarded guy who tells me “in time, you can win almost anyone’s heart by using the correct methods” instead of the more literate guy who says “the harsh reality is that even if you have everything else i common [which we didn’t anyway], the one thing you don’t have in common is the belief that this relationship can work. \u00a0Anyone who classes you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your tears”. \u00a0But I’m ignoring Voice Of Reason in favour of Love Tactics approach of “give the person a vacation from you – if you back off for a while, the other person will become more open to a new encounter with you; a vacation from you will tend to open their eyes to what they’re missing.” \u00a0So all the people who’ve congratulated me on my apparent strength in the not emailing\/calling\/texting stakes – it’s all an ulterior motive. \u00a0Although luckily, this also pleases the Voice Of Reason, who also tells me not to call him “He doesn’t want to talk to you. \u00a0Even if you think he does, you’re probably wrong. \u00a0If he wanted to talk to you, to check on you, to reconcile with you, he would. \u00a0All the broken fingers in the world won’t keep someone who’s truly determined from calling”. \u00a0So the no contact is win-win as far as the self-help books are concerned, it just doesn’t seem to be helping me particularly.<\/p>\n

I also bought I Can Mend Your Broken Heart by PHD charlatan Paul Mckenna, but i super saver deliveried that one, and it arrived the day after he texted me to ask for another chance. \u00a0hahahaha! \u00a0So I have it, but it’s also resolutely convinced that I should Move On and has all kind of helpful tips on how to get on with my life, re-imagine my future and stop obsessing about him. \u00a0well I’m not interested in any of THAT, so it’s gathering dust for now.<\/p>\n

So I came home last night and sat around feeling maudlin (way to get one with my life, re-imagine my future and stop obsessing about him. \u00a0Sorry Paul…) and after I attempted the realisation that we Just Weren’t Right For Each Other, i came to a far better realisation: I Just Hadn’t Bought The Right Self-Help BookYet. \u00a0It was so obvious! \u00a0Somewhere out there is the book that ACTUALLY has all the answers. \u00a0Those Love Tactics guys were ok, but getting the one you lost back was only a 5 chapter part of an 18 chapter book. \u00a0What I needed was more focus and commitment from my author. \u00a0I snubbed “How To Win Your Lover Back” as many reviewers dismissed it as “too american” and went for “How One Of You Can Bring The Two Of You Together”. \u00a0 I dread to think what lunacy will follow on my part once this invades my life. \u00a0I guess I’ll know in 3-5 business days. \u00a0Just in case that fails (I’m nothing if not thorough) I also bought How To Break Your Addiction To A Person but annoyingly, that won’t arrive for 3-5 weeks so in the meantime I guess this gives me a perfect excuse not to move on (hey, the book didn’t arrive yet whatchagunnado?) and 100% focus on bringing the 2 of us together. \u00a0And yes, obviously it’s crossed my mind that hopefully this will be another McKenna situation and I won’t actually need to break my addiction to a person because He Will Be Back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was the longest day at work ever. \u00a0Yet again, I waited all day from…<\/p>\n

Read the postHelp Me If You Can, I’m Feeling Down<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,6],"tags":[10,14,13],"class_list":["post-24","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-voldemontfort","category-angst","tag-break-up","tag-dating","tag-relationships","excerpt","zoom","full-without-featured","even","excerpt-0"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=24"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":334,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24\/revisions\/334"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=24"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=24"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.soanyway.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=24"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}