We got out of the lift and I headed over to the cashpoint in the lobby of our building. And so did he. Of all the cashpoints in all the world. Anyway, we then went our separate ways as I had ANOTHER set of leaving drinks to go to first (I work in banking, people are dropping like flies around here).
After a couple of hours I made my way over to THE drinks, with a couple of friends in tow and a couple of drinks for fortitude. I lasted about 45 seconds before crying. Yes. When I got there, he was standing at the back of the room and I just looked at him and felt overwhelmed by loss. This coincided immediately with me bumping into my old boss (she left a couple of years ago, I never liked her) who took one look at me and said “you look AMAZING, you’re so thin!”. I don’t know why, but I just said “yeah, it’s heartbreak weight” and started to cry. I don’t know who was more horrified, me or her… Anyway, she was actually quite nice about it but I already felt like I wanted to get the hell out of there. And after another drink, I was desperate to go up to him and start pleading my cause. Which we all know does NOT fit with Operation Be Aloof And He Will Come Back (aka Operation Deluded and Futile).
At this point, Tom (remember Tom?) came over to say he was leaving. I told him he couldn’t go yet because I was about to make a total fool of myself so he had to distract me. So he stayed. And decided to give me good news to cheer me up. Which was that I didn’t have to worry about the girl from the other night (the one who stayed out for drinks which I thought was weird, but also thought I was probably being paranoid and obsessive – let’s call her Sarah) because he’s asked “him” about her and he definitely wasn’t interested even though she definitely fancied him. And I felt like my world had caved in. Was so weird. I told Tom I had to get out of there so he took me off to another bar for a drink – and I proceeded to cry for about 2 hours whilst Tom sat there mortified that everyone else in the bar thought he was a total bastard. The waiter silently brought me over a pile of napkins and then left us to it. This is what I know:
1) Sarah told his manager “a couple of months ago” (is this when we were still together? craven bitch if so) that she fancied “him”. “He” found out about more or less straight away
2) She also told Tom last week when they were out for drinks. AND TOM DIDN’T TELL ME. Aaaaargh. His defence is “it didn’t matter, he’s not even interested, why would you need to know?”. Which is fair enough. but then why tell me now?!! Hmmmm???? Tom claims that when she told him he said “that’s never going to happen” and she looked pissed off but I’m not sure I believe him – Tom’s nicer than that.
3) I don’t think he would be interested in her; she’s not repellent, but she’s not that pretty. “Big bum and small eyes,” says Tom. BUT, hate the fact that now it’s ok for other girls to be interested in him. Because I can’t guarantee that the next one will have a big bum and small eyes. And my first reaction was “stay the fuck away from my boyfriend, bitch”. But… he’s not my boyfriend any more (in case you hadn’t gathered).
4) In a sick, sick way, I’m almost pleased to hear it because it’s further proof that i am NEVER wrong about this stuff. And as I’m convinced we should get back together and *proven fact* I am never wrong, then we probably, definitely will. Maybe. HOWEVER (oooh, the double-edged sword), *proven fact* I am NEVER wrong about this stuff, so I’m probably right about Mitzy. And honestly, I’d rather carry on being worried that I’m obsessive and paranoid rather than having to face up to the reality that other girls do and will fancy him (him, MY BOYFRIEND) and he’s going to end up with one of them someday.
5) Hate, hate, hate that he already has someone who fancies him. Who fancies me???? Said this to Tom and he pointed out that if the male equivalent of Sarah fancied me I’d just be moaning about the fact that no-one decent fancied (this is EXACTLY what I’d do. I am such a twat sometimes). But still. I’m the one drowning in the sea of despair – Where’s my knight in shining Armani???
6) This is mean. but I’m actually kind of annoyed about the whole deal. She must have known that he and I used to go out and part of me thinks: “what??? you seriously think he’d go out with YOU when he dumped ME for not being wonderful enough??? In your DREAMS”. I know this is really, really mean. But it’s how I feel and this is nothing if not warts-and-all, so just think of this as a really lumpy, hairy wart.
So, I did my sobbing on Tom, then we left at about 11. He lives locally; I went to the DLR to go home. Tried to call my best friend to cry down the phone to her all the way home (the one advantage of the fact that she lives in a different time-zone is that it’s not too much of an imposition if I want to call her in the middle of the night. Well, in terms of what time it is. It’s probably kind of an imposition that I keep calling her to wail on for hours about how crappy my lot in life is), but she went to voicemail. I didn’t really feel as though there’d be anyone else who’d be particularly interested in hearing me whine and weep at that time of night, so I squared my shoulders and got on the train when it pulled in, thinking at least I could do some internal whining to make the journey pass by. Sat down and realised he was sitting about 5 feet away with 2 other people from work (not Sarah btw, she wasn’t at the drinks. hopefully she’s fallen down a deep hole.
muststopbeingsuchabitchmuststopbeingsuchabitch.
This left me with a tricky predicament. Did I a) go over and try to be effervescent and dynamic when I felt like I wanted to die – and looked as though I’d been crying for 2 hours or b) stay put and just hope they didn’t see me.
I went with b). Surreptitiously made minor repairs to my make-up then kept looking at him in the reflection of the window – we were both sitting on the same side of the carriage. Anyway, about 5 mins before the train terminated, I realised that he was looking at me in the reflection as well and we both smiled at each other in semi-embarrassed fashion. It’s always embarrassing getting caught checking someone out, even if that someone is your ex. Possibly more so. The other 2 people still hadn’t realised I was there (i know them both) and when the train pulled in, they got off, oblivious, whilst he waited for me on the platform. I’m going to write most of this out as it happened (or as I remember) so you can draw your own conclusions. One thing I haven’t gone into here yet is the fact that one of the main problems in our relationship was that he was surgically welded to his hometown which is (in his words) in north London and (in my words) north OF London. It caused a lot of strife. I’ll probably go into at tedious length one day. Something to look forward to!
So anyway…
We met on the platform and exchanged pleasantries:
Him: I thought you left hours ago?
Me: I left THOSE drinks, places to go, people to see?
We get to the escalator:
Me: Are you following me?
Him: I know, the lift, the cashpoint, the drinks, now this. Maybe I’ll end up moving south so I can stalk you all the way home on the northern line
[He said and meant this as a joke, but I don’t think it was a very fair thing to say. That’s just The Pain talking though]
I change the subject and we start talking about my current struggles with my landlady – we’d talked about this last week. These few details I will spare you.
We get to the point where he goes north on the northern line and I go south and we have to go our separate ways.
Me: So, this is where you go north and I go south – the perpetual problem
Him: It was nice to see you*
Me: Yeah, whatever
Him: No, really
Me: You COULD see me (big, extravagant arms-wide gesture, heroic, think Sally Bowles in cabaret) ALL THE TIME.
Then I turned and walked away. I was willing him to follow me, but when I turned around when I reached the end of the platform, there was no Hollywood ending for me. But, but, but but… (and again, excuse my attention to the most minute detail. I’m desperate, ok) obviously he and I were together for quite a while and would always part ways at the northern line. He gets on his train at the near end of his platform and I get on at the far end of mine. But last night he walked to the end of his, so I saw him standing, waiting for his train then we had this awkward rueful smile-and-wave moment as we both got on our trains, which came in at the same time. i went home thinking: “Seriously, he loves me, he came to my end of the platform just so he could look at me one last time. This was a cheering thought for a straw-clutcher such as I.
But this morning, I realised: he has to stand at the near end to change at Moorgate. But at that time of night he’d have been going to King’s Cross, because the Moorgate trains would have stopped running. So maybe it was just a coincidence and I need to let go of those straws.
BUT (you come right back here straws, I’m not nearly done with you yet), I am a firm believe in the will of the Universe and yesterday, it kept throwing us together in an unprecedented fashion. Maybe this is A Sign that things are Meant To Be? Why do I always seem to end these posts apologising for being such a loser? This is not ego-boosting!
Prayed for a drunken text all the way home. Nada. And here I am staring down the barrel of another weekend.
*btw… this is what he used to say to me whenever we met up during Break-Up MkI and during Project Reconciliation he told me that every time he saw me, it made him think he’d made a terrible mistake. Let’s face it, there’s a straw factory in my brain and I’m not afraid to use it.
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