So, my new pal Mickey went quiet on me after I failed to send him $100 for the hotel. This was tricky. Part of me wanted to launch into full-on super-stalker mode (I could use the practise, frankly) but equally I sorta wanted to get him back on the hook at least for a bit.
I decided to go with plaintive. And also started using my newly-created sirjones1@gmail.com account to message him:
Beloved,
I have sent you numerous emails in the last 2 days [I hadn’t], but as yet have had no reply.
Could the Ghana government be intercepting our emails? I am emailing you from my gmail account in an attempt to throw them off the scent. There seems to be no other explanantion – why on earth would you ignore my emails at such a critical point?
As I have already detailed [I hadn’t], my brother is currently recovering from gunshot wounds obtained whilst he attempted to secure the cash for our airline tickets. He may need to leave before me, we are still trying to ascertain the logistics. Is there someone who could meet him at the airport? Do you have any friends who have knowledge of basic first aid? He will need one of his dressings changed as the wound is on his right arm. It is only a little infected though and he is an excellent patient.
Please reply so that I can be assured that nothing has happened to you and so that we can finalise our arrangements. I only hope that government officials have not overpowered my brave hero.
xxx
No reply. So the next day I tried this:
Mickey, please let me know that nothing untoward has occurred. I am becoming increasingly concerned. Why aren’t you answering your phone? [I hadn’t called it] Has some dreadful fate befallen you? I am praying to all my gods for your safe return to my inbox.
All my gods were clearly listening, because Mickey was back in my inbox a mere 3 days later. The cad.
fromMicheal Kwesi Owusu michealowusu2000@gmail.com
to: Sir Jones
date: 23 May 2011 09:47
subject Re: Is something wrong?
Kindly send money to book for the hotel….
So the lure of filthy lucre finally proved too powerful to resist. And maybe all his other suckers had grown wise to his devastatingly unsubtle money-scamming tactics so he’d come back to me out of sheer desperation. No matter. What to do… Time to empathise. How would I react if I were a slightly creepy and besotted gay man on the prowl, brought back from the brink of despair, with – lest we forget – $800,000 at stake? Let’s see where this goes:
where on earth have you BEEN????? I have been simply FRANTIC. This is not the way to treat people Micheal.
I thought you had the hotel in hand? Where has my money been if not in a hotel?
I sent that, then thought I should perhaps hint at the menace that my bullet-riddled, bank-robbing brother brought to the table. Sir Jones II is not a man to be trifled with and Mickey Boy should probably know that…
My brother is very keen for reassurance that you still intend to honour your promise to return my money to me. Normally, I wouldn’t dream of asking such a question of you, but in his frail physical condition, it’s not wise for him to stay as angry as he is. So please confirm that my 800k is safe and will be returned in full?
Double-teaming Mickey seems to work pretty well (more of which later) and provoked his first unscripted multi-sentence reply.
fromMicheal Kwesi Owusu michealowusu2000@gmail.com
to: Sir Jones
date: 24 May 2011 10:19
subject Re: Is something wrong?
Yes your money is save with me and all you need to do is to send $100 so that l can have it well saved in the labadi beach hotel. lm not treating you bad if l were l wont have contacted you at the first place
you are the one delaying things here.
Micheal
Well that told ME. Delaying things am I? Looks as though I’m going to have to speed things along then:
Dearheart,
Don’t let’s fall out, this all seems to have been a simple misunderstanding. I would hate to think that our meeting should be overshadowed by petty disputes over whose fault this was (I rather suspect it was yours). Onward and upward!
I had no idea that the small matter of $100 was what stood in your way. Sir Jones II and I should be arriving on Saturday, so I’ve taken the liberty of booking a room for you for the week. All the details are below, I gather you just have to print off and present at the hotel when you check in. The room is booked from tomorrow, I thought it was only right to give you a couple of days to try out the robes and keep the bed warm for my arrival.
Please make yourself comfortable and we’ll see you on Saturday. Please let me know if one of your friends could pick us up from the airport? I had asked you last week, but I think perhaps you were too busy daydreaming about me to realise. Naughty boy…
And, just so I can begin to revel in delicious anticipation of our meeting, are you a top or a bottom? Sir Jones II is a switch but he mostly prefers docking nowadays. Although I’ll probably need to help him, his wounded arm is still giving him dreadful trouble.
Please let me know if there is anything further that you require – could I bring you some small trinket from my faraway land? A new Magic Tree perhaps? We have New Car fragrance in England – you’ll love it.
Drop me a line tomorrow when you’re settled in – would a photo of you in the robe be too much to ask at this juncture? I feel I have waited long enough to ogle the delights I will soon be sampling…
xxx
From: booking.com <customer.service@booking.com>
Date: 24 May 2011 18:56
Subject: Your booking at Labadi Beach Hotel
To: sirjones1@gmail.com
Booking confirmation
Dear Sir Jones,
Thank you for your reservation made through booking.com. Please print this confirmation and show it upon check in.
We hereby confirm the following booking.
booking.com booking number 968697740
Pincode 7709
Your name Sir Jones
Your email sirjones1@gmail.com
Hotel information:
HotelLabadi Beach Hotel
Address:1 Labadi By-Pass
Labadi Beach,
Trade Fair,
Accra,
Ghana
Your reservation details
Check in Thursday, May 26, 2011, check-in 14:00 – 17:00
Check out Thursday, June 2, 2011, check-out 08:00 – 12:00
Quantity:1 room
Total room price USD 2940.00 Please note: additional supplements (e.g. extra bed) are not added to this total
Room 1, Superior Double Room
for 2 persons
(non-smoking preference)
(tea and coffee making facilities provided) A little addition of my own just for us…
Meal plan:
Buffet breakfast is included in the room rate.
Prepayment:
No deposit will be charged.
Cancellation policy:
If cancelled up to 7 days before date of arrival, no fee will be charged.If cancelled later or in case of no-show, the first night will be charged.
Total cost of this roomUSD 2940.00
Hotel policies
These are general hotel policies. As they may vary per room type; please also check the room description.
Cancellation & prepayment policy
Please check the specific policy of each room above.
Children and extra bed policy
All children under 4 years stay free of charge when using existing bedding.
All children under 2 years stay free of charge for cots.
Maximum capacity of extra beds/babycots in a room is 1.
Extra beds and baby cots are upon request and need to be confirmed by the hotel. Supplements will not be calculated automatically in the total costs and have to be paid separately in the hotel.
Internet
Wireless Internet Hotspot is available in public areas
Guest parking
Free private parking is possible on site (reservation is not needed).
Pets
Pets are not allowed.
Credit Card / Guarantee / Payment information
Payment
You have now confirmed and guaranteed your booking by credit card.
All payments are to be made at the hotel during your stay, unless otherwise stated in the hotel policies or in the room conditions.
Please note that your credit card may be pre-authorised prior to your arrival.
This hotel accepts the following forms of payment:
American Express, Visa, Euro/Mastercard
Wishing you a pleasant stay!
I really hope he goes there. If only because the above masterpiece took me a good 5 minutes of reformatting. There’s a part of me that wants to call the hotel and let them know that if anyone turns up with this booking confirmation that they should be arrested for being thieving bastards, but Mickey does know my real name and work email and whilst he’s not exactly an intellectual force to be reckoned with, it strikes me that attempting to get a Ghanaian scammer imprisoned probably isn’t that wise a manoeuvre.
I suspect this may be the last I’ll hear from him. But this won’t be the last he’ll hear from Sir Jones. And Sir Jones II could get a gmail account in a heartbeat…
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