I think this may be the last I/we hear of Mickey. But all good things must come to an end. And I like to think Sir Jones went out in style.
He didn’t go to the hotel (as far as I am aware) and the mercenary little fucker was soon straight onto me for some cash:
Micheal Kwesi Owusu michealowusu2000@gmail.com
date26 May 2011 16:08
subjectRe: Your booking at Labadi Beach Hotel
l need a bullion van to take the box to the labadi hotel and it cost $40.please send it now so that l can take the box there.
waiting to hear from you soon.
Micheal.
Well, REALLY…
Errrrrr, Michael, I don’t wish to appear indelicate, but I’m somewhat disappointed that you haven’t seen fit to thank me for the $3,000 I’ve just spent on a hotel for you and are, in fact, merely emailing me to ask for a further investment on my part. Am I to surmise that the man who has conquered my very heart, mind and soul is wholly without manners????
I can, of course, advance you $40. But what on earth do you need a bullion van for? All you’re transporting is a metal box. And surely you removed the box from the scene of the accident in your taxi. Why is there suddenly a need for a van?
Send me details of your nearest Western Union and I’ll send you the money without delay so the van can be in position prior to my arrival on Saturday. I must understand what the purpose of the van is first though. If I discover you’re just using it to get into scrapes with your buddies Hannibal, Face and Murdoch, I will pity you fools.
Why have I still not received a photo of you? Apologies for the brusqueness of this email, but a man has his limits. I still look forward to probing yours at the weekend.
I am annoyed, but I am yours,
Forever,
SJ (I)
Turns out the lure of a massive $40 payday was all it took to excite Mickey into a multi-paragraph response:
Micheal Kwesi Owusu michealowusu2000@gmail.com
27May 2011 12:57
subjectRe: Your booking at Labadi Beach Hotel
Yes l need a bullion van to take the box to the labadi hotel,l can understand you spent money for the hotel and lm also making alot of arrangement to welcome you here as soon as you arrive ..you have nothing to worry about everything will be in good condition.My car is at the work shop at this time and l need to Transport the Box with the bullion van for security reason while taking it to the Labadi hotel.
here is the information you will need to send the $40 below via western union close to you:
Name :Micheal Owusu
Address: 23 beach road
City:Osu
State:Accra
Zipcode:00233
Country : Ghana
Amount to send:$40
Text question: For what
Answer: Transport
As soon as you send the money today and l’ve is cashed l’ll transport the Box to the hotel asap.You dont need to get upset as soon as you arrive and we get the Box open everyone of us will be happy.Kindly get back to me asap with the WESTERN UNION MTCN CONTROL NUMBER as l wait to hear from you soon.
Thank you for the understanding.
Micheal.
I tossed up sending him off to Western Union to pick up 4 cents, but I could always keep that carrot dangling in reserve. I still wanted him to to go the hotel. But time was running out if I was arriving on Saturday. What to do…? In the end, I went for the option that was cheaper on my wallet (4 cents is 4 cents):
Mickey!
We are here! But you are not… Jiminy Cricket (such a dearheart) on reception says you haven’t been to the hotel at all. What a catastrophic waste of money. Where are you hiding?
Upon arrival we realised that our telephones do not work in Africa, I keep telling Sir Jones II that we should get upgrades, but he’s so terribly stuck in his ways. He drives a car you have to wind up every morning. I love a good wind-up as much as the next man, but there are limits. Anyway, I digress. Jiminy (lovely boy) has allowed us the use of the hotel telephone and I have tried to call you numerous times, but to no avail. Should I procure some tin cans, string and a pigeon? Please let me know how we can contact you, Sir Jones II is becoming restless and is muttering darkly about setting the Somalians out in pursuit of you. I’m sure none of us wants that.
We will be by the pool all day today, please do stop by so that we can finally meet (!) and finalise arrangements for the return of my money to me. SJ II is out buying a van and should return shortly. You have seen our photos, so we should be easy enough to identify. I will be wearing red speedos (snug-fitting) so you will be able to tell us apart – SJ II sunbathes nude.
I long for our union.
xxx
No reply after 24 hours, so I think Mickey has realised there is no gold at the end of the Jones’ rainbow. I sent another email this morning to keep up appearances – Sir Jones would undoubtedly be concerned at being $800k out of pocket – and took the opportunity to send Mickey a message in my own inimitable style:
from:Sir Jones sirjones1@gmail.com
to: Micheal Kwesi Owusu <michealowusu2000@gmail.com>
date: 29 May 2011 23:25
subject: URGENT – come to the hotel immediately!!!!
Mickey, where are you? I waited for you all day. Are you able to call us at the hotel? Jiminy will come and find us so that you and I can at last converse. I am a little perturbed by your silence – you’re not going to make off with my money are you? I hate to ask, but Sir Jones II is becoming very suspicious of your intentions.
I have spent all day today composing you this little ode as a token of my esteem whilst my brother has been hard at work with his welder and greeting his Somalian sailor friends. We are quite a party now!
You are mine!
Oh answer to all my boyish prayers!
Unique, one of a kind, they made no spares,
A Prince amongst men, King of my heart,
Rounded buttocks for me you’ll part.
Ever loving!
Always true!
Straight from Heaven sent, were you.
Cherish me!
Adore me!
Mickey, Mickey, Mickey,
Mickey, Mickey, Mickey dear,
Insert literary symbolism here.
Naughty Boy, you’ll soon be rammed,
Ghana government be damned.
Fist me, felch me, fuck me too.
Understand:there’s nothing I won’t do.
Cum for me, let’s be as one,
Kiss me slowly when we’re done.
Wonder of my life,
I give you all my heart,
Til Death Mickey (Death, Mickey) Death do us part.
What do you think?
Do call or come to see us without delay. The van is ready and so am I. Sir Jones II and the Somalians are likely to get restless unless we hear from you tomorrow. The pina coladas here are all very fine, but they’d taste so much sweeter from your belly button. I may have had one too many…
xxx
PS Sir Jones II wants to know where he can get an acrostic?
If you don’t know what an acrostic is, your English teachers deserve a sound beating.
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