Oh man… I miss him I miss him I miss him. Have felt sadder this week than I have in a long time. I think I’m having to come to terms with the idea that maybe this time he isn’t coming back. Am crying even more than usual – welling up every day on the way to and from work and feel choked all day long.
I’m descending into vaguely obsessive behaviour as well. We have an internal chat system which I barely use – I’m all about email – but that he used to need a lot for his job. I keep logging into it to see if he’s still on it, and he is. So then I panic that he’s using it to engage in flirtatious banter with Sarah. And a host of others. Worse, I’m literally jealous of every single person who can just pick up the phone and talk to him whenever they want. And I’m avoiding our mutual friends at work because I want them to tell me that they’ve spoken to him and he is bereft, but that’s not what they’re saying and it just makes me annoyed with them for being so negative. And I know that’s ludicrous. But it’s how I feel. Hate, hate, hate being at work at the moment. I’m so scared of seeing him because I think I’m at the point where I’ll just lose it and start crying and begging and yet so desperate to see him because I MISS HIM and I’m still convinced that somehow, someday he’ll be back and that seeing me might remind him of what he’s lost.
I’m also obsessed with ring fingers. I look at couples on the tube and wish, wish, wish that I had someone who cared about me (and I have friends and family, AWESOME friends and family actually but somehow at times that doesn’t seem to mean a damn. Then I feel guilty and as though I’m a Horrible Person). Next up are the girls with engagement and/or wedding rings and I wonder what’s so great about them that they found someone who wanted to be with them when I can’t seem to. Last of all (possibly worst of all) are the girls without rings who I look at and wonder whether he’d fancy them and whether I’m unknowingly standing next to his next girlfriend. The one who’ll be everything to him that I couldn’t.
I feel completely humiliated and rejected.
*break in transmission due to retardedness*
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