I’ve been out of action for the last few days, getting my wisdom teeth out. I know – glamour! I was signed off work for a week and fully intended to take every one of those 5 days and gallivant about town in carefree fashion. Obviously this provoked someone’s wrath On High as now I’m all swollen up, my face hurts like a bastard and the painkillers make me want to puke. So there’s no gallivanting for me. The operation was on Monday and today is my third day of being housebound, eating soup (man, am I sick of soup) and watching dire TV movies on Channel 5. Right now it’s a gritty stalking-in-the-workplace drama that is in no way entirely predictable and hackneyed.
Am shattered (hence the lack of resistance to the very worst tv there is on offer), I’m sore and I look like a cross between Desperate Dan andEric Stoltz in The Mask. So hot right now… Ooooh, if he could see me now, he’d be back in a heartbeat.
And yes, it’s still all about him. Part of me had also thought that i would use this week to bring this up to date because I’ve been so busy at work lately and then busy keeping myself busy in the evenings that I haven’t had a lot of time. But when it came down to it, I seem to have lost my appetite for this as well as my appetite for food – apart from tangy cheese doritos which I cannot stop thinking about. I even have a bumper pack of them in the house, but seeing as soup is a struggle, I don’t really see crunchy jagged-edged maize snacks as the answer. I’ll be coming for you one day, cheesy treats, be afraid…
But yeah, I hoped this would give me a Week Of Clarity or of something and all I’ve done is sleep a lot, watch crap tv a lot and clutch my jaw and whimper a lot. The only clarity I’ve really got is that I still want him back and I still can’t believe that this has happened to me/us. And this is in spite of the fact that I’m trying to see all the angles and Move Forward Boldly to new life of fabulousness. And I really am trying to do all the right things. Aside from the daily torture of checking up on him that is the workplace, I am trying really hard to get on with my job and mostly it keeps me occupied. I have a relatively difficult job and I’m keeping my head down (whilst attempting to hold it high) and just getting on with it. But it doesn’t help that I live in hope/fear of bumping into him, or that he’s still good mates with Tom – who I’m trying not to speak to about him, but it’s really hard. And it just feels as though there’s nothing to look forward to – I dread any drinks because I don’t know whether to go or not – if I do (as you already know) I obsess over it endlessly beforehand and have a crap time anyway and if I don’t I worry that he’ll get it on with someone else or worry that I’ve missed an opportunity to get him back and I feel resentful that I’m missing out on things which isn’t FAIR because I’ve been there longer and they were my friends FIRST etc. although that really is just my inner only child kicking in – i only like work drinks when there’s somewhere there I’m going to fancy. And it was him for over 2 years and there’s no-one else likely on the horizon – not to mention that it would be seriously ill-advised.
*At this point I was more concerned with the Searing Pain in my jaw rather than the Searing Pain in my heart. Hey, at least it broke the monotony, right?*
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