As you may already have gathered, I look for signs from The Universe all the time. “Hey Universe, if He and I are meant to be, show me The Way by letting me catch this bus” “Hey Universe, if He and I are meant to be, show me The Way by making sure I get to the lift before the doors close” “Hey Universe, if He and I are meant to be, I’ll know it if this queue moves faster than the queue next to me”. Way to heap pressure on the Universe. I am trying (and mainly succeeding) to break the habit that I’ve developed of making my future happiness with Him dependent on whether or not I get to the door that leads to my floor at work before it swings closed without running (power-walking is acceptable however). It’s not pretty.
So anyway, I came home tonight – having seen him across the canteen yesterday at breakfast and today at lunch, don’t think he saw me, desperate longing continues to prevail on my part – and decided that i was absolutely, positively going to look at his Facebook just because I may find out he has The Imaginary New Supermodel Girlfriend and maybe once i know she’s real, I’ll have to get over him. OR, I might decide that my fears of an Imaginary New Supermodel Girlfriend are wholly unfounded due to lack of evidence and feel better until the next paranoid thought crosses my tiny little mind. OR, i might see that his last 20 status updates are: “[…] is lost and bereft without the girl he stupidly dumped twice, but is scared to tell her because he’s afraid she hates him”. You know, the kind of status updates that people leave ALL THE TIME.
Also, I’m running out of time to check his page out, because I am determined to carry out The Almighty Cull where I delete him and all his friends sometime soon. Really soon. No, honest. I mean, I couldn’t do it until after the weekend before last had been and gone because he was going to a wedding with all his University friends and I wanted to message the bride and groom to wish them a happy day and I thought it would be rude to cull them before the well-wishing. As it turned out, I didn’t message them as I decided that this would be a painfully transparent gesture “Please like me and don’t forget me and tell him I am so likeable and unforgettable that we should definitely get back together”. You may think I have too much pride for this desperate act. Hell no. I just decided it might be more effective if I didn’t contact them, as this might come up in conversation at the wedding and he would think I was getting over him and want me back (you may have thought I was kidding when I said my every thought, act and deed is motivated by wanting to get him back. I wish I were that much of a kidder. Bah.). So they all survived the cull until after that. Then a friend had a photo of me looking super skinny in a bikini on a beach. So I had to wait for that to be tagged so he/they could all see it and say “she was AWESOME and HOT. we/they should get MARRIED”. And now… I’m all outta excuses. I’m not even woman enough to perform the cull myself – I’m sending my password and a list of names to my best friend who’s agreed to do it for me. Just as soon as I’m ready… Someday…
However, my plans to finally Facebook-snoop once more (the first time I would have logged in since the last time I cracked) were scuppered because my internet access kept going down and I couldn’t get any kind of connection. So, because I am an obsessive freak, I bargained with the Universe: “OK, if you’ll make the internet work, I WON’T look at his Facebookif you think it’s a bad idea”. The Universe answered by making the WWW spark right up. THEN, when my thoughts returned to subterfuginous Facebook spying, the internet would go right back down again. Pesky Universe and it’s All-Knowing Superpower.
But (ha Universe! You can clip my wings but i can still hop about with bleeding stumps and pretend I’m flying) I CAN look in my gmail to see whether I have any facebook messages or wall postings from him, begging me for another second chance (yes, I can count, that would make it a third chance). So off I went… No begging message but yet another friend request to add to the accumulating, accusatory list of potential buddies who I can’t log in to accept. A friend request from one of His friends. A close friend. Let’s call him Charlie. They’re close enough that He was best man at Charlie’s wedding. Charlie always (at times, over-aggressively) let it be known that he thought I was a Very Good Thing. When he first saw Him after we broke up the first time, he greeted Him with the words:
“So you’re single then?”
“Yes”
“Do you miss her?”
“Yes”
“You’re a fucking idiot then, aren’t you?”
Thanks Charlie…
If I’m honest, I was always a bit surprised that he didn’t friend request me last year when he first signed up. But then, none of my friends were friends with Him on facebook (apart from the mutual work friends we already had) so I didn’t think it was a big deal.
So why now???? We’ve been broken up for *shudders at the thought* nearly 5 months now. For the second time. And he’s married with a baby and living in Manchester, so I doubt he has any sinister designs on my underpants. And he was one of the guests at the wedding they were all at the weekend before last. So now I can’t help but think something was said at the wedding that’s made Charlie think it’s appropriate to be friends, now of all times. I mean, it’s weird, right? Maybe he has a Masterplan to get Him and I back together because he’s sick of hearing how miserable He is?? At the very least, surely he wouldn’t friend request me if He has a new girlfriend, right?
No idea what to do. How does one say “There’s no point us being friends, because The Almighty Cull is imminent”? Especially when all I want to say is “WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN???? DOESHELOVEMEDOESHEDOESHE???????????”
Oh man… I am so far from over this, it would be laughable if it wasn’t happening to me. (yes, I’m the kind of person who regulalry finds others’ misery laughable. ergo, I am a bad person who doesn’t deserve a boyfriend. Stupid karma.)
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