So?I obviously survived…? AND I managed to retain most of my dignity.
Here’s what happened:
Got there (looking pretty good actually) ?before him?and was already engaged in lengthy conversation with somebody by the time he arrived.? So hopefully looked indifferent and involved and not needy or desperate.? Then we both stayed out of each others’ orbit for the first couple of hours.? I was always annoyingly aware of where he was at all times, but that’s to be expected, right?? Generally managed to appear witty and scintillating and unbothered.? Anyway, went to the bar with Oldest Work Friend (let’s call him Tom) and Tom said he thought I was bearing up incredibly well.? At which point I dissolved into tears – but not the kind that were going to make my mascara run – and he made soothing noises.? It was in a dark corner though, so my cover was safe.? We got the drinks and when we got he (as in ever-present “he”, not Tom, apologies for any confusion caused by not giving “him” a name yet) had joined the group that we were taking the drinks to.? I ended up next to him and he immediately asked how I was.? From then on, we were in the same group for the next couple of hours.
1) He looked great
2) He has a new suit and new phone – I hate these reminders that life goes on without me
3) my one uncool moment – me: “new phone?? new number too?” him: *wounded look*
4) I was generally quite funny and fairly devil-may-care
5) I did not ask how he was or really any other questions.? Call me selfish and self-obsessed but I actually don’t give a fuck how he is UNLESS he’s miserable and longing for me.? And if he were miserable and longing for me, then he should just tell me without being asked.? Obviously.? Thinking about it, he did ask me a lot of questions…? Is that a good sign?
6) I want him back.? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
7) Inevitably, cried all the way home.? BUT I held it together in front of him and that’s better than I’d expected.? and at NO POINT did I throw myself at his feet and beg him to have me back.? I am astounded at my restraint.
8 ) Healthy rage kicks in at this point…? He’s off work today to go and watch cricket at Lords with some friends (I know: golf, cricket, this guy is a LAUGH RIOT, right?).? One day his obsession with his friends will be a whole other post on here (maybe a whole other SERIES of posts).? For now, let’s just say that he is all about the buddies.? Anyhoo, someone was asking him about whether he was going to get as drunk as the last time – he went during Project Reconciliation and I didn’t hear from him for 3 days due to strength of hangover, I was less than thrilled – and he said he thought it was going to be much quieter all round.? There were 4 of them due to be going (the other 3 being some of his oldest, bestest friends) but now 1 had to drop out as he couldn’t get the day off work.? So now it was going to be him, (more made up names) Steve, Ben and said in scathing tones and actually doing the inverted comma sign Ben’s “girlfriend”.? Ben is deeply lovely but (sorry Ben…) not that pretty so was single for years and years and years.? Just as “he” and I were falling apart, Ben got a girlfriend.? I’ve never met her so have no idea what she’s like.? But I did hear that Ben is THRILLED.? Anyway, back to the rage…? Essentially, “he” was acting like a 15 year-old who gets annoyed when one of their friends gets a girlfriend and *horrors* includes them in stuff
a) Ben’s the one who got them the tickets so he should be able to take Rose West if he really wants to
b) “girlfriend”? – they’ve been together over 6 months, not sure why it’s something to be mocked in the first place??
c) what the fuck is his problem anyway?? They are all 31 years old.? This is when you are SUPPOSED to have a girlfriend/wife/significant-somebody-or-other?who you do stuff with.
c) you know what’s weirdest?? ALL of his friends are in couples.? The vast majority are married and virtually all the rest are engaged.? Ben was literally the last man standing.? So why does “he” have such an adolescent attitude to it all??? What a penis…
I AM REALLY ANNOYED.? And I guess it was time that some healthy rage kicked in.? But this does just sum up most of the reason that he wanted us to break up (as far as I can make out).? He wanted to be commitment-free in relationship terms so he could always be available to go to the (same) pub with his (same) friends.? This is in spite of the fact that all of his friends are going ahead and forging relationships and?essentially leaving him behind.??It actually sort of bothers me that he didn’t want us to stay together just so he could be part of the couples gang!
so there we nearly are…? Here’s the usual over analytical, obsessive bullshit…
9)? He stayed out after I left and ended up being out until?late with 2 of my good friends and another girl who I barely know.? He and the girl had to take the dlr home togehter.? He and I got it together nearly 2 years ago to the day, on the dlr home together, after a night out with people from work.? So OBVIOUSLY I’m convinced they got it on.?? To this end (to my shame) I’ve asked both friends (Tom is one of them) to confirm they absoutely, positively think he did not get it on with her.? They have assured me he would not have.? Then Tom (in an act of true friendship, overlooking my total insanity and irrationality) even sent an email to girl in question, fishing for scandal.? THEN forwarded it on to me so I coule peruse at my leisure (for as long as you can peruse over a 2 line mail chain – so in my case about the next 6 weeks).? Anyway, she moreorless?just says “there’s nothing to wink, wink nudge, nudge about”.? But then I think she wouldn’t be likely to admit it to Tom anyway.?
10) Before I left, Tom and I scurried off to another corner, well out of sight and I had a lengthy sob and general wail at the unfairness of it all.? Tom thought I’d done really well and agreed that “he” is an idiot and a loser who needs to sort his shit out.? I said to Tom that if he and “he” were to chat later, that I wanted him to menuiton the words “enormous, stupid mistake”.? Not that this is an unfair demand to make on a good friend who’s getting caught in the crossfire or anything!? Anyway, we went for breakfast this morning and Tom hadn’t said “mistake” (for which?I had the gall to be really annoyed for a good 30 seconds) but he said say “idiot” a number of times and apparently “he” looked “remorseful”.? But seriously, I am such a? cripple to even care.
But – I survived.? Now I can get on with being miserable about him without the distraction of having to see him or speak to him…? God I want him back 🙁
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